5 Years in the Making and Still Going

8 12 2008

To my kiddo on his 5th birthday:

It never gets old, but it really is amazing how fast time has flown with every year. How every year you never cease to amaze me. How every year you teach me hundreds of new things. How every year you show me something new about myself. How every year you’ve made me a better person, a better mother. How every year my heart grows exponentially for you.

As I look back on the past 12 months, you and I have overcome some amazing feats. Our biggest milestone together was starting kindergarten. It was scary at the beginning for the both of us. You being surrounded by hundreds of new kids and with me being so much farther away from you. I truly had to let go, I had to have faith in you. Sure my heart stopped for a good couple hours when I thought you got on the wrong school bus the first day. I felt queasy when I had to stop eating breakfast with you at school. How I had to hold back my tears when I hug and kiss you goodbye dropping you off in the morning.

No matter what, you always tried your best. You were being a “big boy.” Best of all you said, “I am being a brave boy for you mom.”

Those words would always put my mind and heart at ease. I knew I was doing something right because you took on the world with everything you had. I have to be brave for you too hun.

As we are celebrating your 5th birthday you are already looking forward to turning 6 and being a 1st grader. I’m just hoping that time slows down just a little more. Don’t grow up too fast you’ll give me a heart attack.

I always wonder if it’s I that am raising you or you that is raising me. Everyday is a new challenge, a new lesson, for me with you as my teacher. I’ve learned patience beyond my wildest imagination. I’ve learned that I had the worst trucker mouth and how to control it. I learned to expand my imagination even more because building a simple house out of Legos just isn’t going to cut it for you. You are raising me to be a better person. Not just a better mom.

So on your 5th birthday I wish you everything my heart, mind and this world can give you. We still have a whole lifetime ahead of us to create some beautiful memories. So what you want to do I leave it in your hands because you aren’t quite my baby any more. You’re my brave big boy.

I love you.

An Ode to My Son

8 12 2007

While taking care of photo hunters at the same time. lol.

Disclaimer: There’s a LOT OF TMI! So read at your own caution.

Our Birth Story.

A long time ago, more like 4 years ago to this very moment I was studying for my finals the next day, I was going off on remember specific formulas, capacitive and inductive resistance, while writing my English paper. I was two days late and felt like I was pregnant for almost a decade. Okay maybe not a decade, but definitely a long long ass time.

On top of studying for finals my body felt different, it was weird. It was like my body was telling me “do not call it a night, you should stay up, and do not settle in.” Regardless, I ignored the signs my body was telling me and called it a night. The moment I laid down I ‘wet’ myself. Yes ladies and gentlemen my water broke at exactly midnight of Dec. 8th, 2003. I got up to a massive pile of water on my bed. I went to wake J (my son’s bio-dad) and he said I peed the bed. I then told his mom, she said I peed the bed. You would think a woman who was nurse for 20 years, 9 of which was labor and delivery, she would know the difference between my water breaking and accidentally peeing. Nonetheless, she cleared my bed and told me to go back to sleep. I was paranoid and pissed off. NO one wanted to drive me to the hospital. So to prove her wrong I laid down and I ‘wet’ the bed again. And that was the final draw, I was finally being put into the car. Of which J was so paranoid I would wet the seat he laid massive amount of towels everywhere.

When I got to the E.R. it was close to 1am and even the nurse there had to ask me if I was sure I didn’t pee myself. Come on people I think I would know the difference. Then here’s the kicker, the nurse asked me if I brought my underwear in which I ‘wet’ myself. MER? No I cleaned up and changed. By 2am I had my own room and lacked any contractions. They already notified my mid-wife and she wouldn’t see me until I started having contractions. I was anxious and excited I couldn’t sleep. Even though all the nurses said I had a long day ahead of me and I should sleep, I just couldn’t. Mind you at this point I haven’t slept in over 24 hours. But I had adrenaline rushing through me nothing could possibly knock me out right now.

I ended up watching Nick Jr., Cartoon Network and MTV most of the night. I finally called my stepmom when the sun was up and besides J she was the only person I wanted in there. No matter how much pain I was in I didn’t want any pain killers. No epidural! Nothing. All Natural. I am pretty good and being able to meditate and focus on outside things to move past the pain, but still my contractions weren’t much. A little after noon I felt like I had to take a massive poop, it hurt. A lot. lol.

That’s when the real labor began. I don’t remember much of it. Sadly. But what I do remember was crazy. I regret not making it to my Lamaze class because for the life of me I couldn’t figure out what muscle to push with. Then with the pain it made it harder to focus on that muscle. My stepmom was a great support person because J just wasn’t all there and it really fucking sucked. This nurse ended up tricking me when I was at the peak of my contraction and asked if I want the advil pain medicine of the pain killer line for labor. Which if I could remember what it was I would recommend you to NEVER take it. Because it did NOT take the edge off of the pain, instead I started hallucinating. Every moment I closed my eyes it felt like I went off into dream land where I argued with my classmate T. Every time I closed my eyes I felt like they were closed for an hour, when in actuality it was only 2 seconds.

This is where I don’t remember too much. I was delirious and having hard time focusing on outside things because of this stupid “advil”. I remember at one time I looked down and there were two wires that were tapped to my leg and went down my leg. Now I know that wasn’t there before. From the tidbits during my labor to what I learned after the nurses, my midwife, and my doctor kept losing my son’s heartbeat and when they found it his heart beat it was really low. They would lose his heartbeat during every contraction. What that was narrowed down to was that he was being crushed every contraction. So they had to put that screw into his head to monitor his heart. I understand now why they didn’t tell me too much because I probably would have had a heart attack.

When he started to crown it was like the world became clearer and the fog this stupid ‘pain killer’ created was clearing out. I was offered a mirror to see his head. It was the greatest incentive for me to work harder. I wanted to hold him so bad.

I may have only been in labor for 6.5 hours but it felt like the whole week. But at 6:28pm my son, my Short Stack, my life was born. his Agpar 9, respectively. Weighing in at 9 lbs. 3.3 ounces at 22 inches long. I heard him let out a healthy cry. I saw him being held by the nurse. And at 6:29 I held him for the first time. I saw his swollen eyes and ruby red lips. I felt his fingers wrap around my finger. It was at that very moment that my life finally started. I waited 19 long years to understand what love really is. 19 years to start my life. 19 years to find out I was not complete until I became a mother. 19 years is a long time, but I would wait another 19 if I had to for my son.

Today, it’s been 4 amazing years. Without you hunny I would never be where I am at. I would have never went to school. I would have never kicked the drugs and drinking. I would have never been happy. I would never be me.

For as long as I am walking, crawling, or wheeling around on this earth and there after I will be there creating a trillion memories with you, savoring every second of every day, sharing a million laughs every moment and never missing a single beat.

Thank you for choosing me. I love you baby. Happy 4th Birthday!

Short Stack

I need to be a Rock Star mom

13 11 2007

Short Stack: “Mom I need a rock star shirt.”

Mom: “Why?”

Short Stack: “Because I’m skater and a punk star. I need to drink Rock Star too.”

Mom: “Hun you really don’t need to drink Rock Star to be a rock star.”

Short Stack: “You’re right mom, only gangstas drink rock star. I need Sprite.”

Mom: “Ummm…. ok. What kind of songs are you going to sing?”

Short Stack: “Punk skater music. Like . . . . . E I E I O with a Mo Mo there and Mo Mo here Mo mo mo mo mo mo mo MMMMOOOOOO!!!! That kind. OH YEA!”

Photo Hunt #1 : Flexible

10 11 2007


So this is my first Photo Hunt. Today’s theme was Flexible.

Now I know this is just an image of my son, in fact its the same image under My Family tab. But behind it lies the definition of flexible, at least family wise it does.


Regardless of all the things happening in my life, whether it be school, work, sickness, id theft, family problems, etc. I must always be flexible enough for my son. Because he will always come first. His feelings, health and happiness are my number one priorities. I may have some pretty big important projects happening at work, but I am always willing at the first chance to leave the moment my son is sick, the second he is depressed and within the same heart beat that he misses me.


As parents we must learn to be flexible with all obstacles in our life. We need to remember that life will come at you fast, but if you aren’t flexible to make life work around your kids you’ll miss out on watching your kids grow up. Everything else in life can be made up and pushed back a little later, but your kids only grow up once.


Well this is my first whack at it. And honestly the only person that came to mind.

My heart.

24 10 2007

It hurts today.

No reason in particular. It’s just a Wednesday.

It’s not the beginning, Not the end. It’s the middle. Where we are all stuck at. I think I just have heart burn. lol.
But it’s also the last night I see Short Stack before he goes to his dad’s house tomorrow afternoon. I won’t see him till Sunday. I hate that the most 3 out of the 4Wednesdays in the month.

On the bright side of everything, there’s always a bright side, one week left till Halloween. I like dressing up with my son. Plus I think we are taking Short Stack’s Escalade with us. Seeing that the last time we used it was his a month after his 2nd birthday.

But I’m coaxing The Beau to pick it up from my Daddyhead’s house so I don’t have to pus him around in a stroller or carry him. Short Stack can drive himself and his girlfriend. lol. Big pimpin’.

Not much to update. I finally signed the paperwork for my promotion which amazingly was effective on the 15th. HR is a bit slow on processing paperwork, but it’s forgiven.

Seeing that I hardly ever see my family and the fact that they live as far as New York I’m going to make a blog for Short Stack. But I don’t know what to call it just yet. The Beau chose nablaze, which is nice because outsiders will be completely clueless what the hell that means, where family will know exactly what it means. Granted they respect my wishes and keep that private. But hell family screw up and let things slip, I should it is my family after all.

Till it’s final though I’m going to let it sit and brew in my mind. See how I feel about it by the end of the week.

Now I need to run, take a quick shower and put Short Stack to bed. The Beau wants to play some Samurai Warriors 2 Dynasty before we head off to bed.

Nothing beats pillaging a country side before bedtime. lol.

I am so attached I’m scared

11 10 2007

When I put my son to bed I feel 1 of 2 things. First being, “whew finally asleep and some peace and quiet. Time to clean house.” Second, there goes another day older. Another day away from being my precious baby. Of course the second feeling being the most common.

I wish we didn’t have to sleep. That we could just live without. Then it would be an extra 6-10 hours a day I could spend being closer to my son. Every night I am so afraid that I’m missing something. I don’t know what, but I know I just hate (and love) that there are days that I am so amazed by how much he has grown and how mature he is now. He isn’t my tiny 22 inches, 9 lbs 3.3 ounce baby anymore. He’s this 3 feet 3 inches and 35lbs little man. Who yesterday told me he loved his new outfits from Wal-mart because it was so “gangsta”, lol.

I will not deny the fact that I love watching my son grow up and slowly (but not slow enough) become this amazing little man. It’s all going way too fast for me. I don’t have enough memory sticks to take enough photos, I’ve been way to lame to buy a camcorder to record the last 2 years of his life, and I don’t have nearly enough energy to keep up 24/7.

So he lays here next to me and as I look at him I wonder “what happened the last 3 years 10 months and 2 days because I could have sworn I just brought you home with me for the first time yesterday. ” I sit here with tears in my eyes, although there is joy in my heart fear resides there next to it. I’m scared of him growing up too fast. I want him to be my little baby forever. I know it’s never possible and ridiculous to say, but I know that play dates will evolve into sleep overs, friends will turn into girlfriends, pres-school turns will turn into high school, and those damn girlfriends will turn into wives who are stealing my baby away from me!

Maybe that last part wasn’t necessary but dammit it’s true. But all I can do is try to capture as many if not all the memories I can and accept the fact that he will grow up, but no matter what he will always be my baby. My number 1. My everything.

Now I wonder how old he will be when he kicks ME out of HIS bed.