I didn’t drop off the planet, just been disconnected.

17 03 2008

I am going through some serious internet and cable/DVR withdrawals. And it is no fun. The cable guy came by on Saturday bright and early and through the process of attempting my cable found out the main house screwed us over with their damn satellite. Which is a simple fix, but that lame bastard didn’t want to climb in the attic. Dammit I even offered to run the damn coax myself. I am really desperate. But nope, he didn’t budge. In fact it really didn’t seem like he wanted to do it at all. He claimed he needed to go grab some other equipment and come back. He didn’t. Instead he called the cable company and had them reschedule for another guy to come back and do it. A-hole. So here I am, waiting till the 27<sup>th</sup> now. </font></p> <p><font face=”> 

I’m taking a break from work. In fact I’m practically done with work anyways, but I really feel like I need to blog. In the last week we have been moving like madmen. My dad and Big Green came by to help move all the big things. The mattress, computer desk, shelves, 3 dressers, 1 entertainment unit and about 6 rubber maid containers were smoothly moved. Nyx’s room is completely transported and setup to his liking. In the process I was able to donate 1 whole container of toys he outgrew. Of which I might add I’m still adding to the 3 gigantic bags of clothes being donated too.

As stated in my previous Utterz postings I bought a gift for myself. My tax return this year was rather ‘large’ to say the least. And I spent 2/3 of last years tax return on Preston’s birthday present. So I got myself a 42” Vizio LCD HDTV. It’s beautiful. Especially while playing Army of Two on my 360. I think it was truly fate, because my dream entertainment unit was on clearance from $250.00 dropped down to $60.00 the week before. And it was the last one. Honestly it’s the living room masterpiece. Now only if I had cable.

Nyx has been pretty amazing. He is now reading to me. It’s amazing that he memorized the book, but since he is continuously reading the book to me he now starting to truly recognize the words. We read Lightning McQueen’s Old, New, Read, Blue really cute book too. The second book we read before bed time is a toss up between Go, Dog, Go and Dr. Suess’s A, B, C. Ok I know they are both Dr. Suess, but it’s weird to just say A, B, C that can be any book. In the process he is slowly memorizing those books too.

Preston has been pretty awesome, being my work horse and all. He’s been a champ continuously going back and forth between the apartment and the house, cleaning each room in the apartment, and cooking dinner at night. Don’t think I’m not doing anything. I’m unpacking, sorting, and getting rid of things as quickly as they come. Of course I’m not moving fast enough.

It’s just been hard not having cable. I feel so, incomplete. I like the ambient noise of my tv while I clean the house. It’s lonely. I’m pathetic without it. Grrr.

Here I am writing for my blog and I’m done with work. I should go now.

It’s date night with Nyx. We are taking him to go see Horton Hears a Who. I’ll let you know how it is.

What if. . . clowns could fly?

24 01 2008

picture-29.jpg Obviously they can’t, but what mother can’t help but think “What if. . . .” There really are a million combinations of this. What if I don’t read to my kids enough? Will they have a harder time learning to read? What if I don’t spend enough quality time with my son? Will he turn out to be unloving, non-hugging, and heartless child? What if my lack of the intelligence, grace, and beauty gene makes me child spiteful towards me for “ruining” their lives? Ultimately, What if I’m not good enough?

In which my loving and adoring boyfriend says, “But you are above and beyond good enough. You are beautiful, smart, and great.”

My response, “You have to say those things. You’re my boyfriend.”

I know myself. I know every lie I’ve ever told. Every secret I hide deep inside. Every weakness no one thinks I have. Every aspect that I am weak and lack, and how much I had to struggle to make up for those weakness just to have everyone think I’m ahead.

I’ve done some amazing things. I’ve accomplished at least several hundred goals. I’ve pushed myself beyond limits I never knew I had. I’ve done things that no one thought was possible.

But at what cost?

I have no real regrets. Only superficial ones.

It would be so easy for me to blame my mother for everything I lack. Though in my heart it is the truth, but in life there is no easy path, no easy answer.

I spent the greater majority of my night pondering on all my weaknesses. Wondering and figuring out why they are my weaknesses. Where did it come from? Why can’t I make them my strengths? Why does it kill me on some days and others it never enters my mind? My ultimate answer, my mother.

I do everything in my power to not be my mother. But how do I know I’m not her? How do I know I’m not hurting my son in the same way? How do I know I’m raising my son the absolute best I can when I never had the greatest or slightest bit of what a caring mom is? Why do I let my mom have so much power over me? How do I stop her from hurting me? How can she be my mom? How can she have been so selfish? How can she not think she damaged all of us? How am I, or my brothers, or my sister ever feel the least bit ‘ok’?

I don’t. No answers.

That scares me.

I don’t want this curse on my son. I want to get through the day feeling like I really am the best mom in my world.

I am to send my son to Kindergarten when I feel like he is lacking “something” because of me. What? No clue.

Growing up we are supposed to know what a great parent is by following in our parent’s steps. Build off the foundation and steps our parents have provided for us. We learn to love, provide, and support the ones we love from the love and support we were given. What happens when we grew up without that?

We become the people that influence us the most growing up. Even when the people that influenced us were bad.

I will never have to worry about my son making me proud, because I already am. I am waiting for the day, where my son will be proud of me. Proud to call me his mom. Proud to be a part of my life.

I want to change my stripes.

One day. . . . . I will.

The Irony Called My Life

26 10 2007

 Below is a very long story. My story. My dreams. My hopes. You are more than welcomed to read it. I figured I’d leave the option for more because I didn’t realize what it would turn into.

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