My Many Visual Transformations

28 06 2008

I just realized this after post an excerpt on Cafemom, I know I like to cut my hair, but I really didn’t know how often. Or even how much till this post.

Over the course of 3 years I’ve had 3 dramatic hair cuts. Sure I get a trim here and there, but 3 major cuts each year since 2005. Here’s your visual: (FYI: It’s pretty picture intensive)

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Climbing my saddle.

2 06 2008

I’m not quite back on the saddle yet. But climbing.

I saw my surgeon, Dr. J on friday. Apparently, whatever is holding my incisions closed is dis-solvable ? So he just looked at it was happy and sent me on my merry way.

Which my merry way was jumping on a plane and spending the weekend on Oahu. It was fun-ish. Might I add the first time we went to Oahu and DIDN’T go to a strip club. Not that it matters, but we always go. I think it was because Preston’s friends we went with are kept and a pretty tight leash. Did lots of shopping, mostly for Nyx though. Went to Dave and Busters. Finally got to check out the swap meet at Aloha Stadium.

I’m never staying at the Pagoda ever again. Preston’s friend A. chose the hotel. It smelt bad, crappy rooms, uncomfortable beds, it was all around bad.

We didn’t go to the Ice Palace, even though that was the first place we wanted to hit. I choose going to the swap meet for the first time over kicking Preston’s ass in ice skating. But now that I’ve been there the swap meet is a must when we go to Oahu now.

We came back late yesterday afternoon, oh yesterday was Preston’s 24th birthday too (I bought him an iPod), and anxiously waited for Nyx to come home. I love bring home presents for him. His face is just amazing when he gets anything.

I should get off my lazy but and post pictures, but I’m exhausted just thinking about it.

As for now I still have 2 weeks of TDI. I return back to work on the 16th. So I should be doing something productive.  But here I am glued to the laptop.  I’m feeling loads better. I almost feel like I’m 100%, but then I get that sharp pain in my abdomen to remind me, “that just because you looked healed on the outside it takes longer to heal on the inside.” So I’m more or less 85% right now.

At least I don’t feel like I need someone to hold me when I want to stand, sit or lay.

Since I have all this time on my hands now, still, I think I shall run off and start planning Nyx’s birthday. It’s a big one this year.

Through Harsher Eyes

21 02 2008

I’ve been trying my best to train my eyes to see the world for its truth. To truly see the beautiful being I really am. As a woman it’s the hardest thing for us to do.

I can blame it on the media, harsh criticism and society, but then that would be too easy. It’s really my fault. Even without the media and super models my eyes will not see the truth. It sees jealousy and envy. It sees the desire to be perfect. The need to be better.

My eyes don’t see the greatness I already have.

Oh how I wanted Valerie’s full breasts. Deborah’s gorgeous eyes. Cindy’s soft moist skin. Edriesol’s long silky hair. Kendra’s amazing athletic ability. Barbara’s sweet singing voice.

All girls I grew up with. Girls I wish I was equal too.

What did I think I had? Intelligence. But at 12 years old I didn’t think that got me anything.

I wasn’t good enough to stay in chorus. Not flexible enough to keep cheer-leading or tall flags. Not tall enough to be able to play basketball anymore.

In my mind I’d beat myself up for lacking the things I desired.

I don’t remember when, but I stopped beating myself up for it. I accepted the title as the female underdog. Best yet, I was just “one of the guys” because I wasn’t hot enough for guys to think of me as a ‘chick.’ I still felt inadequate as a woman, never wanting to show off or flaunt areas I lacked.

As my eyes, heart and soul matured and grew together I learned that my eyes always showed the truth. I just never looked in the mirror enough to see I am the beautiful perfect woman I need to be.

It’s funny though, it took 3 men in my life to show me this and my best friends to ensure I never forget. My father, my boyfriend and my son sees me as the most beautiful and perfect person in the world.

My best friends mostly guys and 2 girls love me because I am not fake. I presents the flawed me to the world. I don’t hide my faults, I embrace them.

I’m just me. I wouldn’t want it any other way.