Through Harsher Eyes

21 02 2008

I’ve been trying my best to train my eyes to see the world for its truth. To truly see the beautiful being I really am. As a woman it’s the hardest thing for us to do.

I can blame it on the media, harsh criticism and society, but then that would be too easy. It’s really my fault. Even without the media and super models my eyes will not see the truth. It sees jealousy and envy. It sees the desire to be perfect. The need to be better.

My eyes don’t see the greatness I already have.

Oh how I wanted Valerie’s full breasts. Deborah’s gorgeous eyes. Cindy’s soft moist skin. Edriesol’s long silky hair. Kendra’s amazing athletic ability. Barbara’s sweet singing voice.

All girls I grew up with. Girls I wish I was equal too.

What did I think I had? Intelligence. But at 12 years old I didn’t think that got me anything.

I wasn’t good enough to stay in chorus. Not flexible enough to keep cheer-leading or tall flags. Not tall enough to be able to play basketball anymore.

In my mind I’d beat myself up for lacking the things I desired.

I don’t remember when, but I stopped beating myself up for it. I accepted the title as the female underdog. Best yet, I was just “one of the guys” because I wasn’t hot enough for guys to think of me as a ‘chick.’ I still felt inadequate as a woman, never wanting to show off or flaunt areas I lacked.

As my eyes, heart and soul matured and grew together I learned that my eyes always showed the truth. I just never looked in the mirror enough to see I am the beautiful perfect woman I need to be.

It’s funny though, it took 3 men in my life to show me this and my best friends to ensure I never forget. My father, my boyfriend and my son sees me as the most beautiful and perfect person in the world.

My best friends mostly guys and 2 girls love me because I am not fake. I presents the flawed me to the world. I don’t hide my faults, I embrace them.

I’m just me. I wouldn’t want it any other way.

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