5 Years in the Making and Still Going

8 12 2008

To my kiddo on his 5th birthday:

It never gets old, but it really is amazing how fast time has flown with every year. How every year you never cease to amaze me. How every year you teach me hundreds of new things. How every year you show me something new about myself. How every year you’ve made me a better person, a better mother. How every year my heart grows exponentially for you.

As I look back on the past 12 months, you and I have overcome some amazing feats. Our biggest milestone together was starting kindergarten. It was scary at the beginning for the both of us. You being surrounded by hundreds of new kids and with me being so much farther away from you. I truly had to let go, I had to have faith in you. Sure my heart stopped for a good couple hours when I thought you got on the wrong school bus the first day. I felt queasy when I had to stop eating breakfast with you at school. How I had to hold back my tears when I hug and kiss you goodbye dropping you off in the morning.

No matter what, you always tried your best. You were being a “big boy.” Best of all you said, “I am being a brave boy for you mom.”

Those words would always put my mind and heart at ease. I knew I was doing something right because you took on the world with everything you had. I have to be brave for you too hun.

As we are celebrating your 5th birthday you are already looking forward to turning 6 and being a 1st grader. I’m just hoping that time slows down just a little more. Don’t grow up too fast you’ll give me a heart attack.

I always wonder if it’s I that am raising you or you that is raising me. Everyday is a new challenge, a new lesson, for me with you as my teacher. I’ve learned patience beyond my wildest imagination. I’ve learned that I had the worst trucker mouth and how to control it. I learned to expand my imagination even more because building a simple house out of Legos just isn’t going to cut it for you. You are raising me to be a better person. Not just a better mom.

So on your 5th birthday I wish you everything my heart, mind and this world can give you. We still have a whole lifetime ahead of us to create some beautiful memories. So what you want to do I leave it in your hands because you aren’t quite my baby any more. You’re my brave big boy.

I love you.


3 11 2008

As of late, tons of things are going on. Friends going back to where they came from, friends falling out – maybe she’ll stop being a douche – friends moving house to house, we are moving house to house, birthday party to plan, parties to go to, Thanksgiving, garage sales, and let’s not forget Christmas shopping.


I’m exhausted already. We started packing yesterday actually. Up until then we were just looking at our stuff and making mental notes as to what to pack, what not to pack, what to sell, and what to keep. But yesterday actually marked the start of it all, we packed up most of our unused linens, all of our DVDs and video games, and some of our vast library of books. This does not include the years of car, pc and video games magazines.


We are putting most of our stuff into storage because my dad’s house surely can’t handle the pack rat mentality of my grandmother AND me. So as time goes on I’ll slowly take things out of storage and sort though. Psft not that it’s actually going to happen, but I can still say and hope it right? LoL.


Oh I guess I never mentioned it before, but I’m moving to my dad’s house. It sounds pretty sad, 24 years old, a 5 year old boy and her boyfriend moving back to her grandparents/dad’s house. But really it isn’t. I’m secretly stoked I get to move back home because I really miss my family. And although they don’t show it I know my family is pretty happy too, although I do get harassment for it.


We are planning on getting rid of our debt and then start saving for my ‘secret wedding’ – it’s a secret because Preston doesn’t quite know about it :/ – and our dream house. Put it this way, living the way we were was insane. Our income was around $4600/month, but our out was around $3800-4200/month. How the hell are we supposed to save? So now we will be living with my dad and savings TONS. So instead of the average $4000 we take over the cable/internet bill around $150 and split the rest of the utilities. So that’s about………$400/month. Savings of $4200/month. Which works out in both of our favor, dad gets some relief with bills, we pay next to nothing, and we all end up happy.


I have a feeling Preston is just going to end up splurging. Which he admitted and felt he justified by saying, “Well we deserve to buy a few nice things since we’ve been struggling the last year.” Yea, ok, whatever hun.


But with everything going on I can’t wait till December. This month is jam packed with tons of things. To top it off I can’t really take off from work this whole month. Everyone put in their requests for leave back in March so when it came around July/August my boss said no additional requests for November. Which left only me, so I may get lucky on slow days – hopefully the 10th, 26th and 28th – to take off but I won’t know till the day before.


I just have to make do and hope for the best really. I really hope I don’t forget the most important thing yet. Nyx’s birthday, I haven’t started planning anything. It’s right around the corner and I’m still clueless as so what we should do.

Which reminded me about something, the other morning I woke up and Nyx was already wide eyed and playing in his room quietly. I wanted to spend some time with him before I left for work – it was a Saturday so I knew I wasn’t going to see him to till late afternoon – and we were talking about his birthday and Christmas where he then went into detail what he wanted. So I told him to write me a list, 2 actually one for me and one for Santa, as to what he wanted. But knowing my son he tends to forget these things just like his mom and dad and figured when I got home I would have to make the list with him. This is fine I always look forward to those things.


Well lo and behold I come home with this drawing and list on my desk. Preston and Nyx were both down for a nap when I got home from work so I had no one to jump with glee with. I wish I had taken a picture of it for right now. But on it Nyx wrote Hot Wheels, drew a picture of what he wanted, and his first and last name. I was in awe that he remembered and to be honest I thought the list was going to be longer.


When they both woke up I told Nyx thank you and that I wouldn’t forget. Then turned to Preston to tell him thank you for helping Nyx, in which he replied, “I didn’t help him. I thought he just drew you a random picture so I didn’t look at it and told him to put it on your desk.” I was just awestruck by that. My son did this by himself?!?! How does he know how to write Hot Wheels?!?! Either way I didn’t care, he’s growing up and he finds his own way to get things done.


In all we’ve been good. Things are changing at the work place, which means the old timers are scared because change isn’t good for them while we young guns know how to go with the flow and allow the change. It’s funny to watch though. But Preston and I are doing well, we hit a rough patch a little while ago but we are working through it and things seem real good. I’m sure it’s because of the stress of bills, moving, birthdays, and the holidays.


Nyx is excelling very well in school. He just had his first Halloween parade at school and was quite excited by all of it. We rarely have bad mornings now and his report card was awesomeness. Which matched his parent teacher conference.


To end it all, we hope November goes by real fast I can’t wait for that moment I can relax longer than a minute.

Thursday Thirteen #11: August Wrap Up

27 08 2008

This is the August Wrap up. 13 very significant days this month.

  1. I made 3 years with The Company. 8/1
  2. I am finally divorced. My great grandmother’s funeral. 8/2
  3. I sent my son off to start Kindergarten. I didn’t cry or have a panic attack. 8/5
  4. I began the process of changing my name – e.g. my SSN#, driver’s license, bank accounts, etc. My son also gave me a heart attack because he didn’t get off the bus and the bus driver thought he was on the wrong bus. 8/5
  5. FINALLY convinced Preston to get rid of his crappy 95 Honda Accord. Nothing wrong with it, just don’t like Honda. 8/10
  6. We traded in 3 of our 7 cars – 2001 Volkswagen Jetta, 99 Chevy Blazer, 95 Honda Accord. Yes, all our cars run, legal, and insured. Insane huh? Preston bought me a 2004 Toyota 4Runner for my birthday. 8/13
  7. I turned 24 years old. 8/16
  8. I celebrated my birthday with 4 other family members of which I didn’t even know they birthdays fell in August. Hell I only knew 3 of the 4 people on that cake. But it was awesome. 8/17
  9. I attended my first official open house and school book fair, as a parent. o.O I finally bought my son a Recaro Car Seat, w00t! 8/20
  10. I bought supplies to start a hobby of soap making. 8/23
  11. We went to the beach twice on complete opposite sides of the island. I hate the beach. But I had fun. 8/23-24
  12. I attempted to body board and ate shit failed, but it was TONS of fun. 8/24
  13. Best one, I had my son for the last 5 weeks. J. always had an excuse ….. reason ….erm…. screw it, he was always too busy to pick him up. 7/20-8/28

I write it out it seems like I had on hell of a busy month. I guess I did, it went by pretty fast.

9 Minutes Left

16 08 2008

What’s that saying?

A lifetime will go by in a blink of an eye. Well it’s something of the sort. It sucks as the older you get the more it feels true.  In 9 minutes it’ll be my birthday. Not officially, or technically, because I was born at 10:26pm.

But nonetheless, I’ll be 24. It’s scary, but awesome. It’s going to be interesting. I’ll actually be divorced, my life feels like its starting to go down the right road, and there are many goals I’m aiming to achieve. So I really can’t wait to see what the next year has in store for us, me.

I went out to diner at an awesome sushi restaurant. I was surrounded by my family and love. Stuffed with awesome sushi. Shared tons of laughs. It was just perfect.

I don’t have anything planned really big for my birthday tomorrow. I’ll just be really stoked if we could actually start cleaning my house and get a lot done.

It’s not sad that I prefer to clean my house than party like a rock star.

I party like a rock star everyday, but I clean once every blue moon.

So I’m off to hang with some friends have a good time and enjoy my last moments being 23.

Hey it’s midnight.

Happy Birthday to Me!

Thursday Thirteen #10

14 08 2008

Thursday Thirteen

Thursday Thirteen

13 People/experiences/things I am grateful for happening over the last 24 years.


My birthday is this Saturday, I turn 24 years old. In some cases I am much to young to have experience a lot of things. It’s hard to choose just 13 things that have really formed me into who I am. But I did my best and here they are.



  1. My dad – I spent half my life thinking he hated me. When I was at my ultimate lowest my mom “tossed” me aside, but my dad quickly came to my “rescue” and pick me up from the slums. Literally. He gave me a second third fourth chance I needed.
  2.  Past/Present/Future Friends – No matter how short or long, insignificant or great, how cruel or blissful, or even how useless of a friend it was I walked away with something. A wonderful memory, a long time friend, wise words of wisdom, and sometimes just the appreciation of being in someone’s life. Even the painful friendships I’ve learned to pick myself up and walk away just a little stronger.
  3. Technology – I developed an incredible love for everything electronic before I was 8. My dad used to fix TVs and VCRs. I loved the smell of circuit boards. Not kidding. At 12 I loved HTML. Back in the dial up days I would spend hours on AOL just for angelfire.com if it wasn’t for cable and DSL I have no clue how I would function. If it wasn’t for cell phones I’d be a F/T SAHM glued to my phone at home in case anything happened to my son at school.
  4. The Scar on my right eyebrow – A shopping car fell on my head when I was 7 or 8, maybe even 6. It’s a reminder to me that the more dangerous things in life may be the best fun, but it comes at some cost. So live life on the edge and to the fullest, just don’t fall off. And don’t let things fall on you. 😛
  5. The Company – As of August 1st, 2008 I’ve been working for them for 3 years. That’s the longest I’ve ever committed to a single company. The next longest is 9 months at Hilo Hatties. In 3 years I’ve met a lot of people, people that have encouraged me to push myself way beyond what I thought my limits were. I’m able to support my family, my son and I have some pretty amazing benefits, I love the people I work with, and above all I love what I do.
  6. Going to College – Now it may have only been a community college and it may only be just a two year degree, but it’s much more than most people have. Especially a statistic like me. I was 3 months pregnant with my son when I graduated high school. No goals, no ambitions, no plan whatsoever. My dad and stepmom pushed me to go. 2 years later I had an Associates Degree in Applied Science for Electronics. Before I graduated I was offered a full time position working for The Company. What made this an amazing feat was that I had my son with me the whole time. I gave birth during finals week my first semester. I aced all my finals. My goal now is taking online courses towards Bachelors in Electrical Engineering.
  7. My mom – Sadly she isn’t a great role model in my life. But she is some sort of model. As she’s grown up (or lack thereof) she’s made (and still makes) many “mistakes”. Mistakes she’ll probably never own up to. But in turn she’s has given me many examples on what NOT to live by. Mistakes I’ll be sure to never make. Mistakes I’ve learned from. From her I learned how much I want to keep a bond with my children. How I want them to look up to me and be proud to call me their mother. Hopefully one day, my mother will see my examples and changer her ways.
  8. Not quite growing up – When I look in the mirror I don’t see the person that’s about to turn 24 I see a kid. Just a kid. Me. In a sense yes I am an adult and mature, but in a greater sense I’m just a BIG kid. I don’t know if I will ever grow up. Not sure I want to. I love cartoons, anime, manga, toys (e.g. Legos, video games, K-nex, etc.), dressing up, and assortment of other childish things. I prefer watching a good cartoon over the NYSE, Oprah, or a chick flick. I’d prefer to play in a kiddie pool with water balloons and water guns with 6 years olds over coffee with the adult crowd. I’m not trying to remain a kid, I just prefer to enjoy the finer things in life and relax than take every moment so serious. Life is much too short for that. Besides kids have better imagination of what life is all about.
  9. Juvenile Detention – Way back when I was a rebellious one I landed myself in juvenile detention. I think I was the least harmful one in there. I met some interesting girls. I was meek and incredibly scared. Scariest 4 weeks of my life. But I made it through. A little braver, much stronger, and with a greater sense of where I don’t want to lead my life towards.
  10.  Marriage and Divorce – So technically I’ve been married for 4 years and “with” my husband for a total of 7. Of those 4 years of marriage 3 years were spent fighting a divorce and custody battle. I married for every possible wrong reason and I suffered the consequences. But I never walk away from a mistake with taking away a good lesson. In the end I found someone who I do truly love.
  11.  Being Homeless – For the greater part of my senior year in high school I was homeless. I was 18, still a bit rebellious, and left my dad’s house. It was my choice, but in the end my dad didn’t let me back in and it turned out for the better. I lived in a tent on the beach for a few months. I still attended school. I maintained my grades to a B average. I graduated and amazed myself. I was really depressed during this stage. I was making all the wrong choices. I was with the wrong people. It took a huge life changing experience for me to finally step back and fully re-assess my life.
  12.  My boyfriend – Preston and I have been through some crazy ups and downs. We balance each other well. Literally opposites of each other. He’s ‘tamed’ my ways and keeps me pretty grounded, some times. He has given me the most unconditional love (outside of my son) that no other non-family member has given me. He is my best friend, my wall to ‘beat on’, the shoulder to absorb my tears and snot, my lover and above all my partner in crime. I don’t know what lies ahead of us, but if he’s by my side nothing seems too bad or hard to handle.
  13.  My son, minion, heir, and savior – When I found out I was pregnant in high school the whole world stopped. I looked at what I surrounded myself in and realized it’s not all about me. It’s about us, him. I didn’t want my son to turn out like me. I wanted to give him the best chance in the world that I could possibly give him. I want him to be surrounded with love. Love not just from me, but from important people in my life too. In return my son saved me. Gave the whole world a real meaning to me. If I didn’t have him I promise you I’d probably be drunk in some ditch somewhere, working at some crappy barely paying job, probably on the verge of dying. You know the sad thing of it I’d probably think I was happy. But my son changed that he gave meaning to life. Not just my life, but the life of everything and everyone around me.  

An Ode to My Son

8 12 2007

While taking care of photo hunters at the same time. lol.

Disclaimer: There’s a LOT OF TMI! So read at your own caution.

Our Birth Story.

A long time ago, more like 4 years ago to this very moment I was studying for my finals the next day, I was going off on remember specific formulas, capacitive and inductive resistance, while writing my English paper. I was two days late and felt like I was pregnant for almost a decade. Okay maybe not a decade, but definitely a long long ass time.

On top of studying for finals my body felt different, it was weird. It was like my body was telling me “do not call it a night, you should stay up, and do not settle in.” Regardless, I ignored the signs my body was telling me and called it a night. The moment I laid down I ‘wet’ myself. Yes ladies and gentlemen my water broke at exactly midnight of Dec. 8th, 2003. I got up to a massive pile of water on my bed. I went to wake J (my son’s bio-dad) and he said I peed the bed. I then told his mom, she said I peed the bed. You would think a woman who was nurse for 20 years, 9 of which was labor and delivery, she would know the difference between my water breaking and accidentally peeing. Nonetheless, she cleared my bed and told me to go back to sleep. I was paranoid and pissed off. NO one wanted to drive me to the hospital. So to prove her wrong I laid down and I ‘wet’ the bed again. And that was the final draw, I was finally being put into the car. Of which J was so paranoid I would wet the seat he laid massive amount of towels everywhere.

When I got to the E.R. it was close to 1am and even the nurse there had to ask me if I was sure I didn’t pee myself. Come on people I think I would know the difference. Then here’s the kicker, the nurse asked me if I brought my underwear in which I ‘wet’ myself. MER? No I cleaned up and changed. By 2am I had my own room and lacked any contractions. They already notified my mid-wife and she wouldn’t see me until I started having contractions. I was anxious and excited I couldn’t sleep. Even though all the nurses said I had a long day ahead of me and I should sleep, I just couldn’t. Mind you at this point I haven’t slept in over 24 hours. But I had adrenaline rushing through me nothing could possibly knock me out right now.

I ended up watching Nick Jr., Cartoon Network and MTV most of the night. I finally called my stepmom when the sun was up and besides J she was the only person I wanted in there. No matter how much pain I was in I didn’t want any pain killers. No epidural! Nothing. All Natural. I am pretty good and being able to meditate and focus on outside things to move past the pain, but still my contractions weren’t much. A little after noon I felt like I had to take a massive poop, it hurt. A lot. lol.

That’s when the real labor began. I don’t remember much of it. Sadly. But what I do remember was crazy. I regret not making it to my Lamaze class because for the life of me I couldn’t figure out what muscle to push with. Then with the pain it made it harder to focus on that muscle. My stepmom was a great support person because J just wasn’t all there and it really fucking sucked. This nurse ended up tricking me when I was at the peak of my contraction and asked if I want the advil pain medicine of the pain killer line for labor. Which if I could remember what it was I would recommend you to NEVER take it. Because it did NOT take the edge off of the pain, instead I started hallucinating. Every moment I closed my eyes it felt like I went off into dream land where I argued with my classmate T. Every time I closed my eyes I felt like they were closed for an hour, when in actuality it was only 2 seconds.

This is where I don’t remember too much. I was delirious and having hard time focusing on outside things because of this stupid “advil”. I remember at one time I looked down and there were two wires that were tapped to my leg and went down my leg. Now I know that wasn’t there before. From the tidbits during my labor to what I learned after the nurses, my midwife, and my doctor kept losing my son’s heartbeat and when they found it his heart beat it was really low. They would lose his heartbeat during every contraction. What that was narrowed down to was that he was being crushed every contraction. So they had to put that screw into his head to monitor his heart. I understand now why they didn’t tell me too much because I probably would have had a heart attack.

When he started to crown it was like the world became clearer and the fog this stupid ‘pain killer’ created was clearing out. I was offered a mirror to see his head. It was the greatest incentive for me to work harder. I wanted to hold him so bad.

I may have only been in labor for 6.5 hours but it felt like the whole week. But at 6:28pm my son, my Short Stack, my life was born. his Agpar 9, respectively. Weighing in at 9 lbs. 3.3 ounces at 22 inches long. I heard him let out a healthy cry. I saw him being held by the nurse. And at 6:29 I held him for the first time. I saw his swollen eyes and ruby red lips. I felt his fingers wrap around my finger. It was at that very moment that my life finally started. I waited 19 long years to understand what love really is. 19 years to start my life. 19 years to find out I was not complete until I became a mother. 19 years is a long time, but I would wait another 19 if I had to for my son.

Today, it’s been 4 amazing years. Without you hunny I would never be where I am at. I would have never went to school. I would have never kicked the drugs and drinking. I would have never been happy. I would never be me.

For as long as I am walking, crawling, or wheeling around on this earth and there after I will be there creating a trillion memories with you, savoring every second of every day, sharing a million laughs every moment and never missing a single beat.

Thank you for choosing me. I love you baby. Happy 4th Birthday!

Short Stack

Oahu Bound!

29 11 2007

I am so anxiously waiting till we go to Oahu. Only one more day!

I love taking Short Stack around. His first trip was a few days after his 2nd birthday. We flew to California for a week to pick up my brother and sister. He was surrounded with a whole new side of the family. My side. It was scary, but exciting at the same time. But he loved it. He loved flying. He just loved traveling to a whole new place. Since then we have taken him to Oahu a few times and he’s always anxious to jump on the plane.

Although we won’t be “allowing” the rest of the family to celebrate his birthday with him they are more than welcomed to call and spend some time with him and give him presents. Which I’m sure they will be doing. But we have a very full weekend planned for him.

We are going to the Aquarium, Hot Import Nights, Dave and Busters, and I’m sure a bunch of other random things will come up. Hoping to also meet up with one of his hanai Uncles too. When we take him to dinner we will give him a couple presents, but he has full range of picking out the toys he wants from Toys R’ Us, K.B. Toys and Toys N’ Joys. I’d much rather him pick out what he wants rather than I guess because he changes his mind practically every minute.

In the midst of making this trip different from the rest we will also be attempting our Christmas shopping. On that note the people we are shopping for is insane. I didn’t think it was that long, but there are a lot of people we want to buy presents for. Then there are those “optional” people who don’t need to get presents for us, but we *er* I want to get them something.


I can’t believe I almost forgot. I have officially started my countdown to our New York take off. 29 days. I had a a countdown to the day I can countdown to the day I live. It’s sad I know, but it personally doesn’t feel as long.