Albany: Day Two

6 06 2009

See when you really have a week off – no work, no worries – who needs to go to bed early? Who really needs to wake up early? I felt like that was our motto. Even though we really did want to get early starts on our day and do as much possible, but that’s wasn’t the case.

We woke up, relaxed and refreshed, and pretty damn late. It was this morning that I got to take Naomi’s tasty Blueberry Baklava for breakfast. I even got a cute box with more to take home. I really loved them Naomi.

She suggested we continue with her Albany gems, where we headed off for some tasty gellato at Aromi d’Italia. I don’t believe I’ve ever tried Italian ice cream before, but after trying some I don’t think I can really go back to regular. It really was just that good. Now I can’t remember what we all tried, but they were all fruity and we all sampled each others. Finishing off our deserts in the front watching people driving by, where Naomi was so humorously amused by a weird man practically hanging out the door and staring.

New York people I tell you.

After that cute stop, we decided to head to Crossroads Mall to continue the hunt for Preston’s gift and to kill the taste of gellato in our mouths. It was amazingly Best Buy’s that we spent most of the time. You see Devin is pretty big into music. I believe his whole family is and you know what Best Buy’s have right? MULTIPLE SET UPS OF ROCK BAND. He couldn’t refuse, he’s never played before and he really wanted to know how true to the music form it is.

It took some time, getting the right rythm, calibrating the tv with the game, and finding a song we enjoyed. Eventually we got it and we also picked up a friend. We never got his name, but I swear this kid probably spent a good part of his day waiting for people (probably more kids) to play with him. When we first got to the set up we had no sticks, the kid magically comes out of NO WHERE and BAM “here’s some sticks for you.” So Dev started playing, well he was playing on his knees we had no chair, then BAM the kid grabs a chair out of thin air. Soon Dev was jamming on the drums, Nai was grooving on the bass, and our new found friend was chillaxing on the guitar. I swear it was probably the best part of his day. Although he was kind of controlling about what songs he wanted to play. We eventually did get through a few sets. Oh and me?! I happily took pictures, maybe jumped in a couple times, but I love just taking pictures.

After a good few hours in the mall and no signs taste of gellato in our mouths we checked out a bar Naomi’s been raving about a few months back.

Mahar’s! She was right to be raving about it too. It was a little small, but very comfortable. The first thing I noticed was behind the bar was shelves upon shelves of huge beer mugs. At the other end was this kiosk looking thing. Nai walked up, punched in her James Bond code thingy, and printed out the beer menu BY COUNTRY. How cool is that?

So back to the beer mugs, if you drink 100 beers you get this cool nifty mug with your name and I think a plaque saying you accomplished your 100 beers – correct me if I’m wrong Nai – but only 3 beers per night counts. So when Nai gets to that 100 she’s probably going to steal the mug and never return. So she’ll make that goal in about…….. 10 years since she hardly drinks anymore.

We tried several different beers from different countries, Brazil, Ireland, England (I think) and before Nai and I knew it, at least for me, we were a bit buzzed and called it quits after that and needed to sober up.

What better way to sober up than head two doors down to eat some food and drink MORE beer. lol. We went literally two doors down to Juniors. The original plan was to eat some food and play X-rated photo hunt. But sadly we got there a little before 11pm and it wasn’t on yet. Regardless we played and made SEVERAL high scores. Those New Yorkers are going to wonder about us.

Eventually we got home, who drove I don’t remember, how we got there doesn’t matter I’m still alive, but once again we didn’t pass out till about 2am.


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Buffalo to Albany Day One

5 06 2009

See when you work for The Company nothing is ever set in stone, literally, even when you are already doing it. See my trip to Buffalo was a week early. The first day of Company business was cancelled. So therefore, the last will be too.

So I had two choices today. Either I can wait till 9pm tonight to jump the plane to Albany, or pay a 2nd penalty fee and jump an 1130am flight. Let’s see it was 930, why the hell am I going to cruise around Buffaflo, NY alone?!?!?!

2nd penalty charge it was. I ended up paying $200 for changing my flight a week earlier and additional $50 for taking an earlier flight that day. Almost twice the price of my original ticket of $150. But you know what? It was worth it.

It’s been nearly 2 years since the last time I saw BFF Nai and her dear hubby Dev. 2 years is much too long. I felt somewhat bad that she just walked into work just to spend an hour there and turn right around to pick up my impatient ass. But I guess she likes me that much. lol.

See Nai is pretty organized, she was already giving me warnings as to keeping me on my toes for the entire stay. But for me to come 12 hrs early?! That’s 12 hrs she didn’t have planned. But she’s pretty quick on her feet and she thought of “Albany Gems.” Just checking out Albany and experiencing the not so touristy things.

But we can’t start the day without breakfast, specifically Devin. We hit up iHop, and I squelled silently in my head when I saw the special side menu covered with strawberry meals. It was during that meal that I learned something new. Dev doesn’t like A1 sauce. I LOVE A1 sauce, which I happily poured over my hashbrowns and scrambled eggs. I swear Dev looked like he was going to freak about that. Breakfast was great though.

We then hit up the mall across the street, the name escapes me at the moment, but we picked up some presents for the 2 birthdays I missed – Preston’s and Roxanne’s. I found Roxanne a perfect gift, but not so much Preston. He’s very finicky and I am always a stickler for finding that right present. After hunting and searching we called it quits for Preston’s gift for the day, and needed to start our evening.

Albany Pump Station. SOME DAMN GOOD BURGERS! I tried their beer sampler. All good beers, but I only liked two.

Seeing I am horrible with words I make up with taking insane amounts of photos and we all know a picture is worth a thousand words. So my next several entries will contain tons of photos.

Like so….

Nai and I with the beer Sampler
Nai and I with the beer Sampler
I enjoyed all, liked half the tray, but loved only 2.
I enjoyed all, liked half the tray, but loved only 2.
HUGE BURGER!!! Mighty Tasty Too.
HUGE BURGER!!! Mighty Tasty Too.

On the East Coast

31 05 2009

So the change of plan started on Friday. I originally didn’t want to go to work that day, but we did anyways. First thing in the morning I was told that our systems test for the The Company was bumped up head.Originally it was scheduled Saturday June 6th.

So it was bumped up a WHOLE DAMN WEEK!

Which on Friday that translated into needing to leave Saturday. I was completely, hell I still am not menatally and emotionally prepared to leave yet. Preston and I had a whole weekend set up for some quality time before I left. Friday night we were to go out to eat some sushi at a new restaraunt, watch Star Trek or Terminator, and cuddle up at home. Saturday night we were supposed to go out “dancing” at The Point. Sunday we were going to go kayaking.

I only got to do the sushi thing. I needed to pack and quickly shop for some “adult” professional clothes. That was a painful 3 hour ordeal. I didn’t finish packing until about an hour and half before my flight.

So I left home yesterday Saturday at 130pm.

First stop was San Francisco. The flight wasn’t too bad. It was PACKED. About 4 babies, 70% old people, and one asian guy. The old couple next to me weren’t that bad though. I sat aisle so I prepared myself for having to get up constantly, funny old people smells, and snoring. But that wasn’t the case. They weren’t mean, stayed out of my people and only got up once. Though it did scare me when the older lady started cracking hard boiled eggs and throwing the shells into her purse. I got about an hour of sleep, listened to my ipod and played my DS. In flight movie was Inkheart and Mall Cop. I only watched Mall Cop because it dawned on me I should use my headphones for that.

Just landed in San Francisco, now Im in line to board for Chicago

When I got to San Francisco I really didn’t expect it to be as cold as it was, but it was a real short lay over. That was another PACKED flight. I almost got lucky though. Amazingly the seat next to be wasn’t occupied. But I didn’t hold my breath too long for that luck. We still had about 5 minutes before they started to move and I was finally asked to move. There was a young dad and his daughter that had seperate seats. At first they asked this foreign guy carrying this 5 foot tube that occupied the empty seat next to him. He didn’t pay for that extra seat, but he sure as hell didn’t want to fork over his seat. So I gladly gave up my two seats. The little girl was gorgeous and the dad looked no older than me, how could I possibly say no?

Of course jerk off mainland people didn’t want to give up their seats either. When I was first looking for my seat the young dad was asking everyone and no one budged. But I figured I would have gotten the dad’s seat or girls seat. At the same time the flight attendents were trying to free up one row for them to sleep during the flight. So can you think of the last seat available for me?

Foreign guy next to me, at the far end was my original seat and the dad and daughter I gave my seat up for.

Next to the foreign guy, they litterally had to pry that 5foot tube away from him to put into the closet. Better yet I had to take the window seat. I’m claustrophic and unless its my significant other sitting next to me I HAVE to have an aisle sit. Just so I can have that feeling that I have an open space. The moment I sat down the foreign guy passed out, spread his legs open, and invaded my personal bubble. Damn guy! I couldn’t sleep. So I tried to watch the in flight movie, Bride Wars. I liked it, but made me a little sad about the fact I’m no engaged yet, another story. But from my view I had to lean a bit to my right to see the full screen and having the foreign guy trying to “cuddle” me was horrible.

I got a few hours of sleep, but by that time I was really regretting not finding our travel pillow. I had a stiff neck and really exhausted.

Just landed in Chicago OHare Airport. It was 530am.

Just landed in Chicago O'Hare Airport. It was 530am.

10+ hrs of traveling, 2 hr layover and 1 last flight left, I look like shit.

10+ hrs of traveling, 2 hr layover and 1 last flight left, I look like shit.

Then we touched down in Chicago, it was a little chilly, but not that bad. Local time it was 530am, Hawaii time I was 1130pm. Had a two hour layover and one hell of a long walk to the next terminal. Where I FINALLY passed Hudson News WITH TRAVEL PILLOWS. The guy I’m traveling with watched my stuff and I went back to pick up a travel pillow, Venti Passion Tea from Starbucks and sandwich. It took me about an hour to do all that. I was so tired just walking.

The Pretty Colors! On my way to my next terminal.

The Pretty Colors! On my way to my next terminal.

The toilets in Chicago trip me out. Plastic rotating covers. I still put papers down lol.

The toilets in Chicago trip me out. Plastic rotating covers. I still put papers down lol.

On my last flight the seat was the worst. I sat in the last row with the stiff backs that you can’t lay back. So me and the couple next to be put down our trays and passed out on that for the rest of the trip. I’m guessing they were as exhausted as I was.

Last flight for a couple weeks

Last flight for a couple weeks

When I finally got off in Buffalo, relieft just overwhelmed me. Local time it was 930am, my time it was 330am. I quickly got my bags, rushed to the car, flew to the hotel, ate a quick lunch and passed out for 6 hours. Which I think completely screwed me over.

When I finally got to my room it was about 1100ish and I was going to try to stay up as long as possible so I can pass out at 6pm. That didn’t work out too well. I woke up about 445pm wide awake and ready to go. It’s now 11:13 and there is nothing that’s going to make me pass out now.

Finally a bed to sleep in..

Finally a bed to sleep in..

Tomorrow I have a free day, The Worm I’m traveling with is meeting with his Company over meetings about My Company and I come into effect Tuessday. I don’t know what I’m going to do tomorrow. Everything I want to do I’d want to do with someone else. Like Freddie’s Speedway, who wants to race go carts alone?! So I’m probably going to hit up the mall and find something for Nyx and Preston on his birthday. Which is tomorrow. 😦

Oh and my sister’s birthday, which is Wednesday. 😦

I wish I was tired. Maybe I’ll call back home.

On A Brighter Note

18 05 2009

 I should cease on the depressing entries, at least for now.

Our move is coming along quite well really. Lots of support from a couple of my friends, ok more like one thanks Levi, and several of Preston’s, correction again just one thanks Scott. But it’s good.

 A bit stressful like all moves are, but that’s to be expected.

I’ve been scouring garage sales, classified, penny savers and, yes, even craigslist like a mad woman. Found most of my deals on craigslist. Garage sales only got me in trouble. I’ve bought things I really don’t need. Paints, painting supplies, dvds, mirror candle holders, and various non essential wastes of money. But I can’t help it, its in the genes, it was a damn good deal!

I think Preston leaves it to me seeing that the woman in me comes out and I love to buy everything and figures he leaves it to me to find the deals. Plus he knows better. He knows that whatever furniture he buys is going to be the cheapest of the cheap, if not off the side of the road in someone’s trash, and I’m going to hate it and then he’ll have to deal with my bitching and moaning. Ever told you he’s a smart man? 

So far I’ve bought a beautiful grey microfiber couch, a patch pattern earth tone area rug, a double door less than a year old refrigerator (although it wasn’t needed because we already had one), a portable A/C unit, 2 huge Rubbermaid outside storage locker/containers, a twin size bed with nifty bed frame that has 3 drawers and bookshelves attached and various bath essentials. All in 2.5 days and under $700?!

Today we’ll be picking up a dining table set, a coffee table, a dresser and a night stand. Possible a white leather couch and a CA King memory foam mattress with frame too. Although picking up the mattress might not happen because we may be getting the one at dad’s house. Plus a CA King is way too B  I  G for our place. I don’t know yet. We have to use up all our options first.  

It’s a good thing I’m choosing and buying our décor because lord knows the O.D.D. comes out and everything has to match perfectly, it has to be beautiful and everything HAS to fit PERFECTLY. If not it irks to ends of the earth till it’s replaced. Although Preston is going a bit crazy with my perfectionist side.

We would have had a mattress already, that’s if I wasn’t allergic to the one I bought. Last Friday we checked out a mattress I wasn’t too fond of the headboard, but the mattress was great. It was soft, but firm. I didn’t end up feeling like I was being sucked in. So we picked it up and set it up at the new house. Within an hour my sinuses swelled up. My eyes became puffy, red, and watery. Then the sneezing and hacking came along. I was suffering. I didn’t know what to do. I have never been allergic to anything in my life. First thing the next morning Preston called the lady and asked if we could return it. Of course she wasn’t too happy, but she did and I got my money back.

The next bed issue happened yesterday. It was a nice frame, simple and cute design. But the mattress sucked. In my mind I though well I like the frame, the mattress can be used temporarily until I can afford my tempurpedic mattress. I gave the nice lady a down payment to hold it until we could come back with a truck. As we were leaving Preston finally says, “Well you are pretty much paying $350 for a simple plain frame.” Translation: “You dummy that thing sucks we aren’t getting it.” So fast u-turn Preston got the money back, another unhappy lady, and we are left still with no bed 3 days later. 

Things are coming along though. The only major thing we do need is mattress, other than that once we get a mattress the rest of our stuff can be moved over and we’ll be completely out of the other house and I won’t be feeling like furniture. 

To make things a little more stressful fun, Preston is having a get together with his friends this coming Saturday at the new house. Being the great hostess I enjoy being that means as we are bringing things in I have to unpack and prep the house twice as fast. Honestly, I don’t mind. Sure I might blow up from the absurd mess Preston makes unloading I like that he’s going to have his “boys night.” He rarely sees his friends and they all asked him to do something too. Just seeing him happy and relaxed with the people he’s closest too is just a small part of what makes me happy too. Plus with all the garage, patio and yard room we have now why not?

Nyx has grown accustomed to this moving thing. As if it’s just a regular adult thing to do. Which is bad and good, he doesn’t get thrown out of whack being moved around, but I want him to know we hare gypsies or nomads either. Even if I think gypsies are cool.

With our new house he has a huge garage, driveway and yard to play in. And I’ll be okay with that because he isn’t so close to the road. The park is right up the road from us and a beach down the road in the opposite direction. Within the house he has more of his own personal space. Rather than being crowded by 10 people he only has 3 and he can always find a place to make his own in the house.

I’m glad this house is our “halfway home” our temporary safe haven. We have been more actively looking into the house market. Learning about special grants, Hawaii specific home loans, and different programs helping low-middle income families buy their first homes with no fear of this recession money market hurting them. So in realistic terms I’m looking at next year finally owning a home. I’ve been in contact with a wonderful Realtor who has been in this business her whole life. She’s genuinely a kind person and so helpful giving us all this information. Even if we don’t go through her, her goal is just to help us get into a home of our own.

Once we get settled into this house we are making a face to face appointment with her – we’ve been communicating via email lately – to look at our options and see where we are.

First home here we come!!!!

A blog?! What’s that?

14 05 2009

I didn’t forget, just been avoiding.

In a lack of better description and words I’ve been depressed and overwhelmed.

Things have been good, things have been bad, but things can always be better.

I’ve been trying to learn to deal with the hardships that have been coming my way. Since November it’s been a never ending shit storm, one after the other. Every Sunday I tell myself “Well it can’t get any worse than this.” But lo and behold before the week is over it does get worse. There has been good moments in between the shit storms, but not nearly enough to make a mark on my soul to rejoice over.

As of late I hope my dad reads this.

It’s a sad thing when you can’t talk to your dad about what is on your mind and heart. Especially when we live under the same roof. Since he’s gotten married I feel like I was ousted out of his life. Deemed out of date. I’m not a little girl that needs her daddy by her side 24/7. But I am the little girl that wants to feel like I play some part in his life. Even if it’s not a HUGE part, but fit in somewhere that I am acknowledge to be of some existence to him. If I feel like this I can only imagine how my sister feels. I know it must be worse and that pisses me off.

My sister went to the ER 3 times and the crazy bin twice, not once did my dad call or visit. Even show the least bit of concern. He’s been so absorbed in this new marriage that we are invisible. I feel like furniture.

So when does he talk to us? When Channel finds something to bitch about, when S. feels inadequate, or we screwed up. Channel and S. complain that we “alienate” them by not talking to them or even saying hi. Well excuse me if I remember correctly I welcomed you into OUR home with open arms and minds. I showed interest into your life and included you both in ours and what do they do? Hide in my dad’s room. Ignore our conversations turn their fat noses into the air as if we aren’t worthy enough to breath the same air. So fuck you.

In 6 months I feel alienated in my own home. Kicked out of my dad’s life and completely betrayed. Am I over exaggerating? I doubt it.

My proof to back this up?

We are getting kicked out, a new place. We do our best to clean the best we can, pay our half of the bills, not complain about the stupid shit they say and do, and stay out of their way. But it’s not good enough. Channel (16) and her boyfriend N. (20) want our room.

S. told dad that she’s going to move out until we find a place, but after all it played out I think that was full of bullshit.

So here I am for the 4th time in a year we are moving. Where originally we moved in with dad because he said he would help us out by getting us out of very BAD situation, letting us pay off our debt and save money for a down payment on a house. For 3 months I took over the bills for the house because dad didn’t have the money. But he had money to get married, buy a ridiculous dog, fly S. up to Oahu when he is working, buy a new SUV, and spoil Channel. After feeling used I only paid half without saying anything. So thanks dad for not keeping up your end.

For almost 2 weeks its constant texts (because that’s the only way he talks to me) of “Did you find a place yet?” and “When will you be moving?”

Remind me to buy you a shovel for Christmas dad.

He’s already been asking me about my sister too – she moved back in onto grandparents side about 4 weeks ago – asking what she is planning on doing and leaving. She moved in because mentally she isn’t sound, she’s really mixed up in the head and in dire need of family support. Channel already told her to not use the downstairs bathroom, Channel stares Roxanne down till she leaves and pretty much summed up that Roxanne shouldn’t use the living room because her room is on the Grandparent’s side. WTF!? So before Dad gets a hold of Roxanne since he has yet to talk to her since she’s been here my sister is coming to live with us.

To hold true to my “No Bad Days” I have been sticking to finding the good in even the crappiest situation. We are moving into a 2bed, 1 bath, 0.23 acre lot HOUSE for only $850/month. So it’s cheap enough that we can still save up money for a house. It also grants us privacy and a place of our own. It sucks that we may lose a dad in the process.

To get dad and S. off our case we are dishing out a lot of money really fast to get absolute needs of furniture and living necessities. We are literally moving like mad people and rushing.

I have come to the conclusion that this depressed state I am in is because I am living at home. Because I’m living at home with S. and Channel.

Preston and I have been good though. He’s been amazingly supportive and loving. Preston has been incredibly understanding and has been trying to get me out of this rut. I feel just having that support has helped up grow closer together and deeper in love. That’s kind of cheesy, but true. His friends will be helping us a great deal moving the bigger items and literally going house to house picking up the furniture I have bought over Craigslist. I’m quite grateful for Preston and his friends.

Nyx has been doing awesomely too. His crying has been getting worse and it drives me up the wall crazy and mad. I just don’t have the patience to deal with crying caused by nothing. He whines about everything. He wakes up he cries, he’s too lazy to turn on the water himself he cries, he can’t put his slippers on he cries, he sweats he cries, etc. It’s frustrating. So my temper has gotten the better side of me lately. I feel bad, but I don’t it’s weird. We are trying to work something out, but I can’t wait for this phase to pass.

Kindergarten will be done soon. First week of June I do believe. Then he will be doing Summer camp for 8 weeks while I’m working. I can’t believe it’s been a year already. I’m scared. lol. He already hates waking up early and going to school. I can’t believe I have 12+ years of this ahead of me. But I can’t honestly say I’m not looking forward to every second of it.

He’s writing paragraphs, adding and subtracting, spelling, reading, becoming a leader, and completely independent. I want my baby back!

There are good points and there are bad points in my life, but I feel like I have make the good points more often. Where as before it felt like the good points came to me. Like it just happened and it was a beautiful when those great points in your life happened, but as I am growing older I feel like I have to make these events happen. I have to think upon this and leave it for a later entry. I need to head to bed and try to get a good nights rest.

PS I may not update my blog often, but I update my twitter everyday almost all day.

It could be worse

6 04 2009

So my last entry was a bit harsh, sounded a little crazy, and quite depressing.

Honestly I needed to vent. What better way than to blog about it?

Seriously though, I’ve been having a pretty hard time dealing with some things. What’s worse is that I really don’t know what’s causing this insane rollercoaster ride of emotions. I’d like to think that I’m pretty good at knowing what’s getting me down and dealing with it. There are huge number of things that can be causing this “depression” phase that I am in and I feel like I’ve been chiseling away at them and making those situations better but I am still feeling down.

In lack of a better description I feel like Eeyore. Completely down, depressed and miserable looking but with a weird emo happy out look on everything. It’s driving me insane. One second I’m fine and dandy next millisecond I’m on the verge of tears and hating everything and everyone around me.

Which leads me to into a somewhat apology to Preston. I shouldn’t have been so psycho talking about him. I know eventually we’ll get to that next phase in our relationship. I’m a bit of a hurry up person while he is just so damn lazy and slow. Everyone, I literally mean everyone, around me is getting married, making bebehs, and getting on with life. Therefore, making me feel like my life is at a stand still. I am so used to having going to quickly and on my timeline that when I have to slow down for Preston to catch up it’s a painfully slow process.

To add I’m sure living back home with my dad isn’t making our situation better. I thought things would be a little easier being back home, but ultimately it isn’t. Its driving me coo coo bananas. My dad’s new wife, her irritating spoiled daughter, the small confinement, the lack of privacy, and the worry of getting back into following the old house rules are quite excruciating to deal with.

We’ve been there for almost 6 months, quite amazing how time flies really, I feel like we haven’t done much to cut our Preston’s debt. I’ve been paying down my debt. The one thing I’m pretty proud of. Since November I’ve paid $9000 to my credit card, although it’s getting back up there trying to catch up with all the bills I’m behind on. Most of which are just medical bills. Since I don’t personally handle Preston’s money and bills I don’t think he made that much of dent. For crying out loud he just spent $1000 to build his first computer. (The complaints about that thing are a whole other tyrant rampage entry itself.)

Now that it’s April I’m getting back into the groove of becoming a more serious 101 Financial Agent. With the move, stress of work, lack of space and organization I haven’t been able to focus on it. Lets cross my fingers I don’t turn into a crazy 101 Agent. :/ 101 Financial has to be one of the few things I’ve enjoyed doing in a while. Now if people would stop thinking I’m trying to sign them up into some pyramid scheme, or any kind of scheme would be great. *cough*Levi*cough*

Even though I’ve been pretty deep in this rut I think I’m sticking pretty true to my “No Bad Days” resolution. I’ve been looking on the bright side of things. I picture myself lacking the better things in my life – my job, family, friends, a roof over my head, etc – and always realize that life could be worse.

With Preston’s help encouragement presence I’ve been doing more and more things to make me feel better. At least feel better inside. I’ve been going to the gym twice a week. Tuesdays and Wednesdays more so because Nyx’s gymnastics are during those days and it’s at the gym. 😐 I either run/jog/speed walk at least 2 miles for 30-40 minutes. This week I’m going to start going Fridays too since I don’t get to pick up Nyx on Fridays, he goes to J’s.

I’ve also started doing more things for myself. Paying and spending more attention to myself physically. I’m not your average prime and primp kind of girl, but I’m doing a little more to make myself feel pretty. Ya know to boost my confidence and stuffs. I have to say its kind of working. 🙂

To top it off we are taking a long over due vacation. We are heading to Oahu this weekend to get off the island and away from this scenery. Just to throw myself into a new environment. Even if its only for a couple days. We are going to our first anime convention, hitting up Dave & Busters, attempting to a new set of wardrobe, but basically de-stressing. Hopefully coming back with a refreshed outlook and feeling.

I hate that I let myself get to this point. But life just takes this grasp on you and next thing you know you are stuck in sinking sand with no one to throw you a rope to pull yourself out. Right now I really feel like the sand is above my head with only finger tips reaching out for help and sanity.

Could be worse though, there could be a huge sand worm that reaches up to swallow me whole. 😐

Not one to shy away.

24 03 2009

If you know you have something, not afraid to share, and work through it some how does that mean you don’t really have it?

I make no sense. Starting from scratch.

I know I have my limits, we all have limits and I do believe I truly found mine.

I like to think I handle stress quite well. I strive off of stress. In fact some of my best work has been done under immense stress, little time, insanity and chaos. I might have shed a few tears in the process, but I was always happy and anxious to see the end. Not for it to just be over, but to see my work, my progress, myself. These last few months have truly tested me. Bad things happening left and right. The head honcho of my tripod moved back home, my boss left for the Philippines for almost 2 months (I was acting lead for that time), BOTH my incredibly expensive systems blew up, grown men bitching and complaining about *gasp* doing their own work, and a GTM that probably wants to ram a broom stick down my throat. Yeah, it wasn’t a nice few months.

I’m dead serious about blowing up too. One system shorted itself when due to heavy rains. Water and electronics don’t mix. The next week because of crappy weather was struck with lightning. I really am not kidding with this bad juju on me. 😦

So a third party, I like to call Worm, comes in to help. He is a sexist know-it-all arrogant asshole. I’m trying to be as nice as I can. So I have to work side by side with him getting both my systems up and running. I’d say I have about 6 more months of him.

With everything happening at work, family issues aren’t all that great either.

Preston and I, well…… what can I say although we were officially unofficially engaged we are now officially officially unengaged. Don’t mistake that as we aren’t together, take it as the jerk isn’t ready to get married because it’s too soon. Many of arguments, bucket fulls of tears, tons of disgust I accepted it. Pretty don’t count on getting married to him ever, although he will correct me and tell me he will marry me. Just on his time and there is no compromise. He has a vicious cycle of looking at this I’ll show you.

Able for us to get married this criteria has to be met:

We need to make our relationship stronger —— how? ——- By not arguing about our debt and money issues ——— So we need to pay off our loans and credit cards —— Ok I paid off $12000 on my debt ——– he got more debt and just bought $1000 worth of computer parts ———- We need to buy a house first before we get married ——— We can’t get married with tons of debt ——– So we have to pay off the house first? ——— No, but we need to get rid of some of our debt  ——- he buys more useless crap——– we argue about HIS money situation and we are back at the beginning ———— I argue about his selfishness and then it comes to well he’d like us to travel a bit more before we settle down ——- lose/lose for me.

I established although I love Preston a great deal we are never getting married. What do you know?! We aren’t allowed to have anymore kids until we are married. So there are two things I have accepted. 1) The circumstances will never be perfect for him, there is no compromise, so we are never going to get married.  2) Since no kids until marriage for Preston that means no more kids for me.

I can say it over and over again that I accept it, but deep down it bugs the shit out of me. I’m always fighting to not dig deep into this, but we have been together for nearly 4.5 years and there is no budging for him. I have given up. He’ll be my boyfriend forever, and that’s the peak of our relationship and like any depressed on the verge psycho girlfriend I want to rip his head off. I feel like I just wasted the last 4 years of my life creating this bond for nothing.

I won’t lie, but I have been thinking, “Is it too late to look for someone that is ready to settle down?”

I’ll come out and say it straight, our relationship is no where close to what it was. I am not talking about the whole new love fresh romance feeling. I’m talking about having this incredible bond and relationship with your best friend and lover. And it sucks.

I feel completely lost. There is so much conflict in my mind and heart that it’s completely overwhelming. Not to add I have my son to take care of.

Thank goodness Nyx hasn’t been giving me much grief. He’s been a bit more of a cry baby lately. Some days more than others. I don’t understand why he can’t verbally tell me whats wrong any more. He used to be so good at that, but he cries. He cries about EVERYTHING. I think it’s starting to show.

I don’t know anymore, I’m ending this. Can you tell life is crappy right now?