It could be worse

6 04 2009

So my last entry was a bit harsh, sounded a little crazy, and quite depressing.

Honestly I needed to vent. What better way than to blog about it?

Seriously though, I’ve been having a pretty hard time dealing with some things. What’s worse is that I really don’t know what’s causing this insane rollercoaster ride of emotions. I’d like to think that I’m pretty good at knowing what’s getting me down and dealing with it. There are huge number of things that can be causing this “depression” phase that I am in and I feel like I’ve been chiseling away at them and making those situations better but I am still feeling down.

In lack of a better description I feel like Eeyore. Completely down, depressed and miserable looking but with a weird emo happy out look on everything. It’s driving me insane. One second I’m fine and dandy next millisecond I’m on the verge of tears and hating everything and everyone around me.

Which leads me to into a somewhat apology to Preston. I shouldn’t have been so psycho talking about him. I know eventually we’ll get to that next phase in our relationship. I’m a bit of a hurry up person while he is just so damn lazy and slow. Everyone, I literally mean everyone, around me is getting married, making bebehs, and getting on with life. Therefore, making me feel like my life is at a stand still. I am so used to having going to quickly and on my timeline that when I have to slow down for Preston to catch up it’s a painfully slow process.

To add I’m sure living back home with my dad isn’t making our situation better. I thought things would be a little easier being back home, but ultimately it isn’t. Its driving me coo coo bananas. My dad’s new wife, her irritating spoiled daughter, the small confinement, the lack of privacy, and the worry of getting back into following the old house rules are quite excruciating to deal with.

We’ve been there for almost 6 months, quite amazing how time flies really, I feel like we haven’t done much to cut our Preston’s debt. I’ve been paying down my debt. The one thing I’m pretty proud of. Since November I’ve paid $9000 to my credit card, although it’s getting back up there trying to catch up with all the bills I’m behind on. Most of which are just medical bills. Since I don’t personally handle Preston’s money and bills I don’t think he made that much of dent. For crying out loud he just spent $1000 to build his first computer. (The complaints about that thing are a whole other tyrant rampage entry itself.)

Now that it’s April I’m getting back into the groove of becoming a more serious 101 Financial Agent. With the move, stress of work, lack of space and organization I haven’t been able to focus on it. Lets cross my fingers I don’t turn into a crazy 101 Agent. :/ 101 Financial has to be one of the few things I’ve enjoyed doing in a while. Now if people would stop thinking I’m trying to sign them up into some pyramid scheme, or any kind of scheme would be great. *cough*Levi*cough*

Even though I’ve been pretty deep in this rut I think I’m sticking pretty true to my “No Bad Days” resolution. I’ve been looking on the bright side of things. I picture myself lacking the better things in my life – my job, family, friends, a roof over my head, etc – and always realize that life could be worse.

With Preston’s help encouragement presence I’ve been doing more and more things to make me feel better. At least feel better inside. I’ve been going to the gym twice a week. Tuesdays and Wednesdays more so because Nyx’s gymnastics are during those days and it’s at the gym. 😐 I either run/jog/speed walk at least 2 miles for 30-40 minutes. This week I’m going to start going Fridays too since I don’t get to pick up Nyx on Fridays, he goes to J’s.

I’ve also started doing more things for myself. Paying and spending more attention to myself physically. I’m not your average prime and primp kind of girl, but I’m doing a little more to make myself feel pretty. Ya know to boost my confidence and stuffs. I have to say its kind of working. 🙂

To top it off we are taking a long over due vacation. We are heading to Oahu this weekend to get off the island and away from this scenery. Just to throw myself into a new environment. Even if its only for a couple days. We are going to our first anime convention, hitting up Dave & Busters, attempting to a new set of wardrobe, but basically de-stressing. Hopefully coming back with a refreshed outlook and feeling.

I hate that I let myself get to this point. But life just takes this grasp on you and next thing you know you are stuck in sinking sand with no one to throw you a rope to pull yourself out. Right now I really feel like the sand is above my head with only finger tips reaching out for help and sanity.

Could be worse though, there could be a huge sand worm that reaches up to swallow me whole. 😐

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Not one to shy away.

24 03 2009

If you know you have something, not afraid to share, and work through it some how does that mean you don’t really have it?

I make no sense. Starting from scratch.

I know I have my limits, we all have limits and I do believe I truly found mine.

I like to think I handle stress quite well. I strive off of stress. In fact some of my best work has been done under immense stress, little time, insanity and chaos. I might have shed a few tears in the process, but I was always happy and anxious to see the end. Not for it to just be over, but to see my work, my progress, myself. These last few months have truly tested me. Bad things happening left and right. The head honcho of my tripod moved back home, my boss left for the Philippines for almost 2 months (I was acting lead for that time), BOTH my incredibly expensive systems blew up, grown men bitching and complaining about *gasp* doing their own work, and a GTM that probably wants to ram a broom stick down my throat. Yeah, it wasn’t a nice few months.

I’m dead serious about blowing up too. One system shorted itself when due to heavy rains. Water and electronics don’t mix. The next week because of crappy weather was struck with lightning. I really am not kidding with this bad juju on me. 😦

So a third party, I like to call Worm, comes in to help. He is a sexist know-it-all arrogant asshole. I’m trying to be as nice as I can. So I have to work side by side with him getting both my systems up and running. I’d say I have about 6 more months of him.

With everything happening at work, family issues aren’t all that great either.

Preston and I, well…… what can I say although we were officially unofficially engaged we are now officially officially unengaged. Don’t mistake that as we aren’t together, take it as the jerk isn’t ready to get married because it’s too soon. Many of arguments, bucket fulls of tears, tons of disgust I accepted it. Pretty don’t count on getting married to him ever, although he will correct me and tell me he will marry me. Just on his time and there is no compromise. He has a vicious cycle of looking at this I’ll show you.

Able for us to get married this criteria has to be met:

We need to make our relationship stronger —— how? ——- By not arguing about our debt and money issues ——— So we need to pay off our loans and credit cards —— Ok I paid off $12000 on my debt ——– he got more debt and just bought $1000 worth of computer parts ———- We need to buy a house first before we get married ——— We can’t get married with tons of debt ——– So we have to pay off the house first? ——— No, but we need to get rid of some of our debt  ——- he buys more useless crap——– we argue about HIS money situation and we are back at the beginning ———— I argue about his selfishness and then it comes to well he’d like us to travel a bit more before we settle down ——- lose/lose for me.

I established although I love Preston a great deal we are never getting married. What do you know?! We aren’t allowed to have anymore kids until we are married. So there are two things I have accepted. 1) The circumstances will never be perfect for him, there is no compromise, so we are never going to get married.  2) Since no kids until marriage for Preston that means no more kids for me.

I can say it over and over again that I accept it, but deep down it bugs the shit out of me. I’m always fighting to not dig deep into this, but we have been together for nearly 4.5 years and there is no budging for him. I have given up. He’ll be my boyfriend forever, and that’s the peak of our relationship and like any depressed on the verge psycho girlfriend I want to rip his head off. I feel like I just wasted the last 4 years of my life creating this bond for nothing.

I won’t lie, but I have been thinking, “Is it too late to look for someone that is ready to settle down?”

I’ll come out and say it straight, our relationship is no where close to what it was. I am not talking about the whole new love fresh romance feeling. I’m talking about having this incredible bond and relationship with your best friend and lover. And it sucks.

I feel completely lost. There is so much conflict in my mind and heart that it’s completely overwhelming. Not to add I have my son to take care of.

Thank goodness Nyx hasn’t been giving me much grief. He’s been a bit more of a cry baby lately. Some days more than others. I don’t understand why he can’t verbally tell me whats wrong any more. He used to be so good at that, but he cries. He cries about EVERYTHING. I think it’s starting to show.

I don’t know anymore, I’m ending this. Can you tell life is crappy right now?





No Bad Days

3 01 2009
No Bad Days

No Bad Days

So as we were sitting in the drive thru of Burger King this bumper sticker was on the car in front of us.

No Bad Days.

It really got me thinking about things, conflicts, that I’ve dealt with last year. Conflicts with myself, friends, family, and my boyfriend. Now I know that we can’t all get along perfectly all the time. I know that when I argue or don’t see eye to eye with someone it’s not the end of the world. But there would be moments where I just couldn’t let it go. I couldn’t let time heal my problems and in turn it would ruin my day, if not my week.

It’s no ones’ fault, but my own. No one makes me hold onto “grudges”.

This year, I’m refusing to let that happen this year. I want No Bad Days.

I’m refusing to let people, things, issues, ANYTHING bring me down and affect my time. We only have one chance in this life I don’t want to waste days, weeks, being brought down by trivial things.

My family and I are in good health. We all have our jobs, a roof over our heads, and food on our table. That’s what really should matter.

I’m not saying I’m going to become a bitch and care about no one and their problems. Simply just saying, I”m going to worry less. I’m still going to care, but I’m not going to let it affect me and my day. Often times my weeks. I felt like I was a hermit for so much of 2008. I even admitted that to people. I don’t think I suffer from depression, atleast I would hope not, but I”d get so down that I’d literally just hide out from the world. I’d wake not wanting to do anything. Not wanting to see anyone. Just to be left alone.

I’m a people person. I love being surrounded by people I love and I know love me back. But becoming a hermit I’ve missed out on so much things. I’ve lost contact with so much people. I don’t wants going on anymore, completely out of the loop. When before I was the central unit of the loop.

This year… No Bad Days.

Just lasting memories and great times to be had.





Come to think of it….

2 01 2009

2008 just wasn’t the best for my health or Preston’s.

Over the course of the last year Preston and I have been in and out of the hospital more times than we have been in the last 10 years. And yes that is including me being pregnant with Nyx and going to all my appointments. It’s quite amazing really.

My gall bladder issue, having 700lbs antenna arrays fall on me, personal health issues I don’t want to mention, getting the flu, Preston’s rush with his immune system attacking his nervous system, and just your average walk in clinic issues like your common cold. So our health really wasn’t the best and we plan on working on that.

Medical bills are cheap you know. Although we have great insurance that paid for practically 90% of it, I can’t afford surgery bills anymore. :/

So I do believe we will be working overtime and bettering our health. Which means eatting healthier. Which also means very hard to do.

I love food. Especially greasy foods. Not just your average fast food greasy, but some good ol’ soul food. Filipino soul food. Not exactly the healthiest if you ask me, but it tastes oooohhh sooooo good. What more? No rice. I haven’t told anyone yet, but I’m going to attempt to ban rice from my diet. Day 2 and I’m doing good. Some people may ask (especially if they are from the main land) why would rice be so hard? 1. Try being asian. Rice is like a staple food. It’s right up there with meat. You can’t have a meal filled with any meat and have no rice. It’s just not right. It’s like having cereal without milk. 2. Try living in Hawaii and getting meal that has no rice. Chili with rice. Katsu with rice. Prime Rib with rice. EVERYTHING RICE!

I don’t know long this will last, but I’m hoping long enough to lose a couple pounds.

I’m also cutting out soda. I really don’t drink much soda, but when I do it’s like I can ‘t stop sometimes. So it’s all juice and water.

Which brings me to……drinking more milk. I am definitely not a milk lover. I drink milk when I eat cereal. Even my lattes are soy. I don’t quite know why I’m so anti-milk. The taste just doesn’t cut it for me. I’ll pound chocolate milk any day, but plain milk? I’d rather eat brussel sprouts. I hate brussel sprouts. But milk is a great source of calcium, we know calcium is good for you. So I need to learn to love it even if it kills saves me.

I don’t want to spend most of my year in and out of the hospital hopping doctor to doctor and taking pills after pills. I’m only 24 years old I can’t be falling apart now. My son is only 5 he can’t have a mom that feels like she’s 50.





Have I hit rock bottom yet?

19 09 2008

So yesterday I was suffering from a cold, horrible sinus headaches, and above all I HAD to go to work. Which is fine I wasn’t completley out of it and it’s not like I had tons of vacation or sick leave anyways. I go to work on a mission to accomplish as much as I possibly can because I knew I was going to be really lame today and not want to do anything.

I push everyone to work hard, get a lot done, and overall just make the boss happy. Things were going smooth. I mean really smooth. Smooth enough for Bryson to say “Things are going too smooth something’s going to happen to fuck it all up.” I swear he jinxed it all.

Only had a couple hours till quiting time. Things were going great. I can’t tell you exactly what happened, but hopefully enough I can give you a good enough idea.

On of the my systems needed to be reworked, meaning it needed corrosion control and new paint job. So were taking it down and prepping it for some good maintenance loving. Bryson and I were sitting up top, about a good 20 feet or so above ground. Richard, Quincy, Stanley down below – still 4 feet above the ground – manning things from below. Now mind you I am the leading person for this system so I was watching out for everyone’s safety. I didn’t want anyone to get hurt under my watch – see where I am going with this yet?

Got all the bolts out, secured to the cables and ready to be lowered. Except one problem it wasn’t budging. I stood up a little to look over all the bolt sections to make sure we didn’t leave one in. The moment I did that – BOOM !!!!!! – it falls. At that moment I jumped back, but my right foot was still hanging over and the nice 600-700 lbs ‘object’ fell on my foot that was laying side ways. And continued it’s way down till the cables tightened. But sadly, in that process my coworker Stanley got hurt too. He was standing right below me. He tried to hold it up, but that was a fruitless endeavor, the moment he could jump off he did.

I cried. I hate crying at work.

I work with a bunch of guys….. I was honestly waiting for one of them to jokingly say “Suck it up Danni.” Graciously they didn’t. They made sure I was ok. Well in some sense. They made sure no bleeding. Continued to lower the ‘object’ because I wanted them too. If it stayed int he position it was bound to injure someone else. I couldn’t have that on my conscious.

I attempted to calm myself down, and reassess my situation. !. My foot may be broken. 2. How the hell am I supposed to climb down 20 some odd feet? 3. Damn Bryson jinxed this. 4. How am I supposed to pick up my son? 5. Thank god tomorrow is Friday.

Priorities aren’t always there. lol.

Nonetheless, a scissors lift was called to my rescue. I was carried down and the ambulance was called for me.

Now the EMTs. I have a bone to pick with them. Now thankfully I wasn’t dying, but if I was I’d be dead by the time they figured out how to work the stupid fucking gurney. It took them what felt like forever to figure how to get it into the back of the ambulance. They took forever figuring how to place my splint. The whole ride about 10 mins to figure how to take my blood pressure with an eletronic one and then manually the guy was hopeless. Thank god it was only my leg.

When I finally got to the emergency room I was a little more calm. I was doing my best to keep myself in a good safe area of my mind. I mean come on I was cracking jokes so no one feels depressed about the situation. I had white paint on my face because I was crying face down. When I sat up Quincy thought I got wake by said ‘object’ in the face, I wasn’t, but I said it was camoflauge. While on the gurney I told bryson, “Fail.”

If others are stressed and worried, it really heightens my anxiety and worries too.

I sat in the ER, trying to laugh, trying to be calm, just ….. trying. The nurse was kind of helful she was funny-ish. She stabbed me in the butt with a pain killer so that she can take my shoe off without me screaming bloody murder. The butt stab I have to say hurt more than my foot. It burned more like it. I got some x-rays and my first cat scan ever. Then given another stab in the arm, tetanus shot. I couldn’t remember the last time I got one. Damn nurse I swear she just wanted to keep stabbing me.

The pain killer, which I think she said was depheral(?) – was really strong and apparently I am really really REALLY sensitive to it. I was out of it and completely loopy. Minus 2 coworkers they call came down to see Stanley and I, Stanley was in the room across from me.

So anyways going off topic, sort of, the out come. I should count my blessings because I am damn lucky I didn’t break anything. Better yet didn’t fracture anything. As it stands I have some internal swelling that is keeping me from feelings my toes. It still hurts like a mofo, but I still have my foot and when things are all healed up it’ll still work. 🙂

Stanley is well took, he has some back and shoulders pains and will be followed up with a doctor appointment sooner or later. I didn’t want to wait till Monday so I made a follow up this afternoon with Dr. P. I might just have to be out for a couple days.

Here’s an even shittier part, I just found out about 20 mins ago that all that work, the injury of two workers, this was all done for nothing. We were just told that the sand blaster guys found out their equipment doens’t work today. WTF!?? They knew we were going to be doing this today, they should have started checking their equipment last week.

SOOOOO when I go back to work, we have to put it all back together. How FUBAR is that?!?!

Here’s another crappy thing to add to my list of this month.  I’m trying to figure out what I did to have karma come back at me like this.





Thursday Thirteen #10

14 08 2008

Thursday Thirteen

Thursday Thirteen

13 People/experiences/things I am grateful for happening over the last 24 years.

 

My birthday is this Saturday, I turn 24 years old. In some cases I am much to young to have experience a lot of things. It’s hard to choose just 13 things that have really formed me into who I am. But I did my best and here they are.

 

 

  1. My dad – I spent half my life thinking he hated me. When I was at my ultimate lowest my mom “tossed” me aside, but my dad quickly came to my “rescue” and pick me up from the slums. Literally. He gave me a second third fourth chance I needed.
  2.  Past/Present/Future Friends – No matter how short or long, insignificant or great, how cruel or blissful, or even how useless of a friend it was I walked away with something. A wonderful memory, a long time friend, wise words of wisdom, and sometimes just the appreciation of being in someone’s life. Even the painful friendships I’ve learned to pick myself up and walk away just a little stronger.
  3. Technology – I developed an incredible love for everything electronic before I was 8. My dad used to fix TVs and VCRs. I loved the smell of circuit boards. Not kidding. At 12 I loved HTML. Back in the dial up days I would spend hours on AOL just for angelfire.com if it wasn’t for cable and DSL I have no clue how I would function. If it wasn’t for cell phones I’d be a F/T SAHM glued to my phone at home in case anything happened to my son at school.
  4. The Scar on my right eyebrow – A shopping car fell on my head when I was 7 or 8, maybe even 6. It’s a reminder to me that the more dangerous things in life may be the best fun, but it comes at some cost. So live life on the edge and to the fullest, just don’t fall off. And don’t let things fall on you. 😛
  5. The Company – As of August 1st, 2008 I’ve been working for them for 3 years. That’s the longest I’ve ever committed to a single company. The next longest is 9 months at Hilo Hatties. In 3 years I’ve met a lot of people, people that have encouraged me to push myself way beyond what I thought my limits were. I’m able to support my family, my son and I have some pretty amazing benefits, I love the people I work with, and above all I love what I do.
  6. Going to College – Now it may have only been a community college and it may only be just a two year degree, but it’s much more than most people have. Especially a statistic like me. I was 3 months pregnant with my son when I graduated high school. No goals, no ambitions, no plan whatsoever. My dad and stepmom pushed me to go. 2 years later I had an Associates Degree in Applied Science for Electronics. Before I graduated I was offered a full time position working for The Company. What made this an amazing feat was that I had my son with me the whole time. I gave birth during finals week my first semester. I aced all my finals. My goal now is taking online courses towards Bachelors in Electrical Engineering.
  7. My mom – Sadly she isn’t a great role model in my life. But she is some sort of model. As she’s grown up (or lack thereof) she’s made (and still makes) many “mistakes”. Mistakes she’ll probably never own up to. But in turn she’s has given me many examples on what NOT to live by. Mistakes I’ll be sure to never make. Mistakes I’ve learned from. From her I learned how much I want to keep a bond with my children. How I want them to look up to me and be proud to call me their mother. Hopefully one day, my mother will see my examples and changer her ways.
  8. Not quite growing up – When I look in the mirror I don’t see the person that’s about to turn 24 I see a kid. Just a kid. Me. In a sense yes I am an adult and mature, but in a greater sense I’m just a BIG kid. I don’t know if I will ever grow up. Not sure I want to. I love cartoons, anime, manga, toys (e.g. Legos, video games, K-nex, etc.), dressing up, and assortment of other childish things. I prefer watching a good cartoon over the NYSE, Oprah, or a chick flick. I’d prefer to play in a kiddie pool with water balloons and water guns with 6 years olds over coffee with the adult crowd. I’m not trying to remain a kid, I just prefer to enjoy the finer things in life and relax than take every moment so serious. Life is much too short for that. Besides kids have better imagination of what life is all about.
  9. Juvenile Detention – Way back when I was a rebellious one I landed myself in juvenile detention. I think I was the least harmful one in there. I met some interesting girls. I was meek and incredibly scared. Scariest 4 weeks of my life. But I made it through. A little braver, much stronger, and with a greater sense of where I don’t want to lead my life towards.
  10.  Marriage and Divorce – So technically I’ve been married for 4 years and “with” my husband for a total of 7. Of those 4 years of marriage 3 years were spent fighting a divorce and custody battle. I married for every possible wrong reason and I suffered the consequences. But I never walk away from a mistake with taking away a good lesson. In the end I found someone who I do truly love.
  11.  Being Homeless – For the greater part of my senior year in high school I was homeless. I was 18, still a bit rebellious, and left my dad’s house. It was my choice, but in the end my dad didn’t let me back in and it turned out for the better. I lived in a tent on the beach for a few months. I still attended school. I maintained my grades to a B average. I graduated and amazed myself. I was really depressed during this stage. I was making all the wrong choices. I was with the wrong people. It took a huge life changing experience for me to finally step back and fully re-assess my life.
  12.  My boyfriend – Preston and I have been through some crazy ups and downs. We balance each other well. Literally opposites of each other. He’s ‘tamed’ my ways and keeps me pretty grounded, some times. He has given me the most unconditional love (outside of my son) that no other non-family member has given me. He is my best friend, my wall to ‘beat on’, the shoulder to absorb my tears and snot, my lover and above all my partner in crime. I don’t know what lies ahead of us, but if he’s by my side nothing seems too bad or hard to handle.
  13.  My son, minion, heir, and savior – When I found out I was pregnant in high school the whole world stopped. I looked at what I surrounded myself in and realized it’s not all about me. It’s about us, him. I didn’t want my son to turn out like me. I wanted to give him the best chance in the world that I could possibly give him. I want him to be surrounded with love. Love not just from me, but from important people in my life too. In return my son saved me. Gave the whole world a real meaning to me. If I didn’t have him I promise you I’d probably be drunk in some ditch somewhere, working at some crappy barely paying job, probably on the verge of dying. You know the sad thing of it I’d probably think I was happy. But my son changed that he gave meaning to life. Not just my life, but the life of everything and everyone around me.  




So good, so far, let’s keep this going.

3 08 2008

It’s only the 3rd, but this month is turning out to be pretty freaking awesome.

1. My aunts (minus 1) are all down, even a couple of my cousins. More coming down on the 8th. Lots of family dinner at tons of different houses and every event filled with loved. I mean LOTS of love. Loving out the ying yang. Love from people I didn’t even know I was related to, but is so they shove love down your throat. lol. But I almost forgot how amazing it truly is to have a huge family like mine.

Filipino families, well maybe not all but definitely the ones in Hawaii, there is no such thing as extended family, 2nd or 3rd or 4th cousins, aunts and uncles. Everyone is just family. They are “far” family. Don’t even need an ounce of the same blood you are family like they have known you your whole life.

And it’s pretty nice.

To feel wanted. To have people that want to be a part of your life.

Though there is a somewhat sad side to this, but I’ll tell you another day. I don’t want to ruin this great start of a month.

The funeral was beautiful. The food was great too. And man did I mention my family was just huge?

2. We went to my Uncle R’s house to swim in the pool. I went with the expectation that Nyx was just going to be opihi. I general can’t enjoy swimming sometimes because he constantly hanging onto me and I have to carry him.

Lo and behold, I jumped in, he swam to me. Let me repeat. HE SWAM TO ME. My jaw dropped and my heart jumped. I almost couldn’t believe my eyes until he popped back up and was threading water right in front of me. He quickly grabbed and said AGAIN! He held my hand, put his head under water and started kicking to the edge of the pool. What did he do?

He ran and jumped into the water. Over and over and OVER again. He showed me his “starfish” swimming method. Held his breath for LONG periods, over and over again. So we spent several hours poolside and enjoyed every second.

3. The best damn news. I checked my mail today. That doesn’t sound so exciting, except for the fact that I’ve officially be divorced since July 24th, 2008.

July 24th, 2008!!! Single, free, unmarried -ish. I still have Preston. lol.

It’s finally over. I just have to finish paying off my lawyer, but it’s done. I started to read over the decree and started to cry. I was happy. Happy is too bland of a word to explain the utter relief, excitement, and pure joy I had in my heart. But happy was the only word that could find its way out of my mouth when trying to explain to Preston why I was crying.

Preston is stoked still.

So August is looking pretty damn promising for us. I hope it keeps going on for the rest of the year.

4. Oh yea my fortune cookie tonight said “The Evening Will Bring Romance.”

*wink wink*