It could be worse

6 04 2009

So my last entry was a bit harsh, sounded a little crazy, and quite depressing.

Honestly I needed to vent. What better way than to blog about it?

Seriously though, I’ve been having a pretty hard time dealing with some things. What’s worse is that I really don’t know what’s causing this insane rollercoaster ride of emotions. I’d like to think that I’m pretty good at knowing what’s getting me down and dealing with it. There are huge number of things that can be causing this “depression” phase that I am in and I feel like I’ve been chiseling away at them and making those situations better but I am still feeling down.

In lack of a better description I feel like Eeyore. Completely down, depressed and miserable looking but with a weird emo happy out look on everything. It’s driving me insane. One second I’m fine and dandy next millisecond I’m on the verge of tears and hating everything and everyone around me.

Which leads me to into a somewhat apology to Preston. I shouldn’t have been so psycho talking about him. I know eventually we’ll get to that next phase in our relationship. I’m a bit of a hurry up person while he is just so damn lazy and slow. Everyone, I literally mean everyone, around me is getting married, making bebehs, and getting on with life. Therefore, making me feel like my life is at a stand still. I am so used to having going to quickly and on my timeline that when I have to slow down for Preston to catch up it’s a painfully slow process.

To add I’m sure living back home with my dad isn’t making our situation better. I thought things would be a little easier being back home, but ultimately it isn’t. Its driving me coo coo bananas. My dad’s new wife, her irritating spoiled daughter, the small confinement, the lack of privacy, and the worry of getting back into following the old house rules are quite excruciating to deal with.

We’ve been there for almost 6 months, quite amazing how time flies really, I feel like we haven’t done much to cut our Preston’s debt. I’ve been paying down my debt. The one thing I’m pretty proud of. Since November I’ve paid $9000 to my credit card, although it’s getting back up there trying to catch up with all the bills I’m behind on. Most of which are just medical bills. Since I don’t personally handle Preston’s money and bills I don’t think he made that much of dent. For crying out loud he just spent $1000 to build his first computer. (The complaints about that thing are a whole other tyrant rampage entry itself.)

Now that it’s April I’m getting back into the groove of becoming a more serious 101 Financial Agent. With the move, stress of work, lack of space and organization I haven’t been able to focus on it. Lets cross my fingers I don’t turn into a crazy 101 Agent. :/ 101 Financial has to be one of the few things I’ve enjoyed doing in a while. Now if people would stop thinking I’m trying to sign them up into some pyramid scheme, or any kind of scheme would be great. *cough*Levi*cough*

Even though I’ve been pretty deep in this rut I think I’m sticking pretty true to my “No Bad Days” resolution. I’ve been looking on the bright side of things. I picture myself lacking the better things in my life – my job, family, friends, a roof over my head, etc – and always realize that life could be worse.

With Preston’s help encouragement presence I’ve been doing more and more things to make me feel better. At least feel better inside. I’ve been going to the gym twice a week. Tuesdays and Wednesdays more so because Nyx’s gymnastics are during those days and it’s at the gym. 😐 I either run/jog/speed walk at least 2 miles for 30-40 minutes. This week I’m going to start going Fridays too since I don’t get to pick up Nyx on Fridays, he goes to J’s.

I’ve also started doing more things for myself. Paying and spending more attention to myself physically. I’m not your average prime and primp kind of girl, but I’m doing a little more to make myself feel pretty. Ya know to boost my confidence and stuffs. I have to say its kind of working. 🙂

To top it off we are taking a long over due vacation. We are heading to Oahu this weekend to get off the island and away from this scenery. Just to throw myself into a new environment. Even if its only for a couple days. We are going to our first anime convention, hitting up Dave & Busters, attempting to a new set of wardrobe, but basically de-stressing. Hopefully coming back with a refreshed outlook and feeling.

I hate that I let myself get to this point. But life just takes this grasp on you and next thing you know you are stuck in sinking sand with no one to throw you a rope to pull yourself out. Right now I really feel like the sand is above my head with only finger tips reaching out for help and sanity.

Could be worse though, there could be a huge sand worm that reaches up to swallow me whole. 😐

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Let’s MOVE MOVE MOVE!!!

3 11 2008

As of late, tons of things are going on. Friends going back to where they came from, friends falling out – maybe she’ll stop being a douche – friends moving house to house, we are moving house to house, birthday party to plan, parties to go to, Thanksgiving, garage sales, and let’s not forget Christmas shopping.

 

I’m exhausted already. We started packing yesterday actually. Up until then we were just looking at our stuff and making mental notes as to what to pack, what not to pack, what to sell, and what to keep. But yesterday actually marked the start of it all, we packed up most of our unused linens, all of our DVDs and video games, and some of our vast library of books. This does not include the years of car, pc and video games magazines.

 

We are putting most of our stuff into storage because my dad’s house surely can’t handle the pack rat mentality of my grandmother AND me. So as time goes on I’ll slowly take things out of storage and sort though. Psft not that it’s actually going to happen, but I can still say and hope it right? LoL.

 

Oh I guess I never mentioned it before, but I’m moving to my dad’s house. It sounds pretty sad, 24 years old, a 5 year old boy and her boyfriend moving back to her grandparents/dad’s house. But really it isn’t. I’m secretly stoked I get to move back home because I really miss my family. And although they don’t show it I know my family is pretty happy too, although I do get harassment for it.

 

We are planning on getting rid of our debt and then start saving for my ‘secret wedding’ – it’s a secret because Preston doesn’t quite know about it :/ – and our dream house. Put it this way, living the way we were was insane. Our income was around $4600/month, but our out was around $3800-4200/month. How the hell are we supposed to save? So now we will be living with my dad and savings TONS. So instead of the average $4000 we take over the cable/internet bill around $150 and split the rest of the utilities. So that’s about………$400/month. Savings of $4200/month. Which works out in both of our favor, dad gets some relief with bills, we pay next to nothing, and we all end up happy.

 

I have a feeling Preston is just going to end up splurging. Which he admitted and felt he justified by saying, “Well we deserve to buy a few nice things since we’ve been struggling the last year.” Yea, ok, whatever hun.

 

But with everything going on I can’t wait till December. This month is jam packed with tons of things. To top it off I can’t really take off from work this whole month. Everyone put in their requests for leave back in March so when it came around July/August my boss said no additional requests for November. Which left only me, so I may get lucky on slow days – hopefully the 10th, 26th and 28th – to take off but I won’t know till the day before.

 

I just have to make do and hope for the best really. I really hope I don’t forget the most important thing yet. Nyx’s birthday, I haven’t started planning anything. It’s right around the corner and I’m still clueless as so what we should do.

Which reminded me about something, the other morning I woke up and Nyx was already wide eyed and playing in his room quietly. I wanted to spend some time with him before I left for work – it was a Saturday so I knew I wasn’t going to see him to till late afternoon – and we were talking about his birthday and Christmas where he then went into detail what he wanted. So I told him to write me a list, 2 actually one for me and one for Santa, as to what he wanted. But knowing my son he tends to forget these things just like his mom and dad and figured when I got home I would have to make the list with him. This is fine I always look forward to those things.

 

Well lo and behold I come home with this drawing and list on my desk. Preston and Nyx were both down for a nap when I got home from work so I had no one to jump with glee with. I wish I had taken a picture of it for right now. But on it Nyx wrote Hot Wheels, drew a picture of what he wanted, and his first and last name. I was in awe that he remembered and to be honest I thought the list was going to be longer.

 

When they both woke up I told Nyx thank you and that I wouldn’t forget. Then turned to Preston to tell him thank you for helping Nyx, in which he replied, “I didn’t help him. I thought he just drew you a random picture so I didn’t look at it and told him to put it on your desk.” I was just awestruck by that. My son did this by himself?!?! How does he know how to write Hot Wheels?!?! Either way I didn’t care, he’s growing up and he finds his own way to get things done.

 

In all we’ve been good. Things are changing at the work place, which means the old timers are scared because change isn’t good for them while we young guns know how to go with the flow and allow the change. It’s funny to watch though. But Preston and I are doing well, we hit a rough patch a little while ago but we are working through it and things seem real good. I’m sure it’s because of the stress of bills, moving, birthdays, and the holidays.

 

Nyx is excelling very well in school. He just had his first Halloween parade at school and was quite excited by all of it. We rarely have bad mornings now and his report card was awesomeness. Which matched his parent teacher conference.

 

To end it all, we hope November goes by real fast I can’t wait for that moment I can relax longer than a minute.





It’s official

22 10 2008

we are moving.

I don’t want to prematuraly say where yet. It’s not that if I do I might lose it, but ‘someone’ might try to cut me out. But we are going to be having a massive blowout sale.

Goodbye stove.

Goodbye sofas.

Goodbye washing machine I was all giddy to buy 4 months ago.

Goodbye Cal King mattress because you aren’t going to fit in the ‘new’ said place.

Goodbye having 3 bedrooms and massive hiding places.

Goodbye annoying mirrors all over my house I’m glad you’ll be gone because you scare the shit out of me.

Goodbye car #4 because you suck more gas than car #2. Let’s face it Car #3 is just better.

Goodbye personal space, because new place is going to be better.

Hello to ‘no’ rent, only utilities.

Hello to money saving.

Hello to my sanity from having ‘normal’ neighbors finally.

Hello to my ‘new’ roommates.

Hello 1 hour drives to work and school.

I’m anxious, but not at the same time.

I’m dreading the packing. I mean some INSANE packing. I thought it was bad when we lived in the apartment. This is FAR FAR FAR worse. More than half our stuff is going to be sitting in storage, another quarter will be sold in what I hope will be gone in just ONE HUGE garage sale, and the other quarter will have to find a place in the ‘new’ home.

Nyx is neutral on the situation. Though the ‘new’ home is out of his school district I will fix it so that he can still attend the same school. I’d really hate to transfer him out.

Preston is somewhat neutral on this whole move. He knows we will be saving TONS of money and it’ll work out for the better. He’s closer to his friends, which means more basketball and COD4 for him. We will never drive into town on the weekends, but it’s more the money thing for him right now.

Me? I guess I’m neutral too. I love this house, I really do. But we are just digging ourselves a bigger hole. It’s time we climbed out.

I swear the hole we dug, you could go spelunking in it.

Not kidding.

Downsides? It’s an hours drive from work now. WE all have to wake up at least 1.5 hours earlier. But really that’s just about it.

When the plans go into action and we start moving and selling our stuff. I’ll let you know end destination.

Till then, wait.

PS.

When is my wedding
Wedding Ticker from WhenIsMyWedding.com

PSS. Please someone remind Preston he is suppose to ask me soon. :X





A Crappy September

15 09 2008

One would think that since I left August with a wonderful note that the greatness would carry over into September. Where in fact it just died on the 1st.

Yea this month really hasn’t been that great. I don’t blog or right much when I’m in a crappy depressing mood. Well I do but NEVER nearly as much when I’m happy.

It feels like summer just started all over again. It’s 9:40pm and I am sweating my ass off as I sit here. With a fan. Pointed right at me. 1 foot away. WTF.

But it’s more than that.

Bad news keeps rolling away, most I’m not entirely at liberty to talk about, and some I just don’t want to mention.

Somehow our money just evaporated into thin air. And we are here liquidating our crap to make up for the evaporated money.

The people I traded my car in to for the 4runner were supposed to take care of the loan. Guess what they didn’t. It’s been over a month. I had a collections agency call me last friday for my lack of payment and I was almost up shit creek if it wasn’t for Preston going down there today and ripping them a new one.

They still haven’t paid for like $400 of it. But it’s better tha nothing. I hate those guys. Once this resolved we are writing into the Better Business Burea to complain. This little stunt they did really did put a bad note on my credit history/score.

I know I checked.

Things seriously have been rolling down hill.

……… I picked up smoking again………

I hate it, but right now I don’t know a better way to relieve the stress.

The other night Preston and I sat outside. Kind of had to I was smoking a cigarette and he asked me how I felt. I wanted to cry, but couldn’t. I told him with everything that’s happening I just want to cry, fall into a coma, and wake up when all of this has been resolved.

He laughed. Then he went on to talk about buying a motorcycle some 250 something. Guys really suck at making you feel better. I was better off just talking to the dog.

Oh yea I bought a dog. The only great thing about this month

I’m going to go. I have to go through our bills now. We have a total of $70 to live off of till Friday. Most people will say that’s more than plenty. But really our case…… it’s not.





Do Work, Son!

22 07 2008

And that I have, and man have I.

In 10 days I put in 134 hours of work. I asked for extra money in this rough spot of the year and I got it, 3 folds. Lots of overtime and double time. Very little much to complain about. I saw my son for all of 8 hours the whole time. I spoke on the phone with him every moment I could. I cuddled up for the nights that was possible for me to come home. It hurt, a lot.

I have been quite absent from everything, everyone, and even myself. I’ve been trying to prove myself, not only to my boss, but to myself. If that makes much sense.

In the months of pass, I’ve grown very weary of my job. Frustrated with feeling stunted by my every daunting task. And questioning my very worth as an employee.

Though I had to sacrifice my valuable time with my son, I received a rejuvenated feeling of worth. I was given incredible challenges and surprise attacks of “bam you got 1 hour to do this make it happen.” Truly it was grueling and i wanted to cry, but I needed my faith in myself to be restored. I needed to reminded that I am pure awesomeness at my job.

Don’t misunderstand me though. I hated being away from my son. I hated not seeing him off to school. I hated having to eat each microwavable meal with another coworkers in a cold building. I hated hearing the tone of much sadness in my son’s voice. It was hard. For the both of us.

Though I needed to be reminded why I enjoy my job, above all we needed the money. Expenses have gone up dramatically. Needs need to be met. Bills to be paid and roof to be kept over our heads. A boss needed to feel much confidence in to give me my raise. Of which prior boss had set up for me already, but new boss didn’t know and screwed that up.

So I’ve done work and things have started to slow down again. I’m back to 8 hours a day. Which leaves only 3 more days of weird hours. 3 days which my son doesn’t need to be in some sort of sad state. He’ll be at J.’s house and won’t really notice my leave.

And so goes for the work end.

Kindergarten.

Nyx had his assessment test yesterday (7/21) and it was about 45 minutes long. Really went through some basic things. His letters, upper and lower, numbers, colors, shapes, body parts, etc. I feel he went through with flying colors. He stumbled a little on the Q, R, G, and S. Skipped 14-16 while counting to 20. Didn’t know where his wrist and heel was, but in all he had awesome remarks.

I get to call in tomorrow or Thursday to schedule a parent-student meeting. That’s when we get to learn what teacher he will have and group he gets put in. We then get to place all his things into his classroom and he finally gets to see where he will finally be.

Might I add, labeling every crayon, erase, marker and book is really a huge pain in the ass Especially when he has 4 boxes of the same markers and crayons.

More updates of Kindergarten are soon to come.

And to end my entry with…..

Divorce.

Not much I can say here. I rushed to notarize some documents last week Friday. In return my lawyers response was,

“So looks like you’ll be divorce in a couple weeks.”

Not that the last 3 years of fighting for a divorce was a fucking breeze.





Back to Square One

1 04 2008

So for the many, or few, that have screaming at me to jump on Oovoo.com or at least update and let the world know I’m ok……I’m ok.

For those you figured, “eh she’s moving into the new house and working I can wait and things will be back to normal at the end of March.” You are wrong.

We are moving, again. But don’t worry it’s not that far. In fact it’s practically still in the same house. I’ll get to that.

At the beginning of March I will admit that we were all ‘gung-ho’ about moving and doing it swiftly. Our incentive: some of March’s rent back from the apartment. We neglected to read our landlords fine print, in her words. Only IF she found tenants to move in BEFORE the end of March. Fat chance. So rather than stressing each other our and working ourselves down to the marrow we took are sweet time.

We have been living in the new house for almost 3 weeks now. Which reminds me. It’s our 2 year anniversary. As of today we have been living together, parent free, completely adult like for exactly 2 years now. Amazing how fast the years have gone.

Yesterday we said goodbye to the tiny apartment we have grown to love. Our first place together. In fact our first place without our parents, or someone’s parents, to guide our way. We picked up our small TV and entertainment unit. Scrubbed down almost every nook and cranny. Dusted and swept the hidden dust bunnies. Then finally shut and locked the door one last time. I remember when we first got the place we were happy that someone finally said yes to us. We were 21 years old, no references, practically no credit and a 2 year old boy. Not a single person wanted to rent to us. Till we found our apartment. I prayed, crossed my fingers, and put on the biggest smile I could to impress the landlord. It worked. I think. I walked in, fell in love, and she said yes. Over the next two years, we grew (metaphorically and physically lol) and finally the place got too small for us. Which landed us here.

A cute pink house. Well extension of a house. $200 more from the apartment. But we get a yard, a garage, and near-perfect neighborhood. We dealt with the stress of March only begging for April to come. We were tired of running back and forth. Packing and unpacking, which just turned into throw crap into container and dump on living room floor. And now April 1st is here nonetheless. And we are moving again.

But it’s not across ‘town.’ It’s quite literally on the other side of the wall. The family that was living in the main house moved out this past weekend. In the middle of their moving they allowed us to roam around their house. Get a feel of it to see if we want to inquire with our new landlords of they would be interested in renting it out to us. Let’s say the main house is 2.5 times bigger than our side. In the process of viewing their house we found out the previous tenants of our house was paying $500 LESS than what we are. I was L.I.V.I.D. They paid $500 less than us?!?!?!?! Better yet the rent for the main house is only $100 more than our rent now. WTF?! It’s almost 3 times bigger and they pay $100 more?

So yesterday Preston called our Landlady, C.S., and inquired about the main house. She originally wanted to renovate the whole house and then offer it to us. But seeing that she renovated the extension and jacked up the rent I was scared she would do the same for the main house. But Preston was amazing. He was very adamant about wanting the main house. He told them that the house is great condition and would like to rent it out the way it is. She was sort of cautious about it. I’m thinking she had the feeling the main house was in shambles or something. Which it really isn’t.

As of yesterday, we now are renting the main house. With all our shit still sitting on the floor EVERYWHERE in the extension! We have till the 15th to move into the main house. We told her we won’t be moving anything till the weekend of the 11th. We have Nyx this weekend and I asked my sister K if we can watch Baby K on Saturday so Nyx can spend time with his cousin and I am able to start getting Nyx comfortable around little ones. I forgot to mention, she did jack up the price but only $100.

I love the main house. It’s 3bd and 2 ba. It’s BIG. Now if we can only find people we like to move into the extension we will be set. I don’t want to end up with shitty neighbors.

Man I have so much to update.

The shittiest utility to deal with by far, and so far, was the cable company. The guy on the 17th was a lazy bum and we found out he had no clue what he was talking about. But his stupidity was going to cost me 10 more days of misery. Another cable guy was to come on the 27th to run a new coax and install. But between the 17th and the 27th Preston hooked up the cable anyways. It worked stupid cable guys! We made 5 cat5e cable runs through the house so we don’t have cables running this way and that across the house. Good thing we didn’t finish it yet, because of course now it has to be pulled and rerunned through the main house.

I even upgraded to Road Runner turbo to get a whole whomping 8mb download speed. Bullshit there, speedtest.net only sees 2mb. I’m going to have to give them a bitchfest before the end of the week. Regardless I have internet, even if at some points it feels like dial up once and while. Another reason to bitch. Preston installed the cable himself and the cable guy on the 27th only plugged in the HD DVR and we STILL got charged $50 for installation. GRRRR.

Nyx has been doing pretty well. J’s parents came back from Africa for a month, just to do taxes, and will be going back eventually. J’s brother from California came down too so Nyx was getting the opportunity to spend time with cousin’s he practically never sees. In fact I don’t think he ever met them before this past week. The school year is almost coming to a near so you know what that means! Kindergarten in August!!!!

I’m becoming pretty adjusted to the idea of him going to public school soon. Not that I want him to. But I can’t wait for his sake.

I don’t know if it’s me, but he’s been getting on my nerves a lot faster than ever. Attention has been shortened by 10 folds, his attitude heightened the extremes and he just doesn’t listen to anything. Constantly back talking and giving snarky remarks. Maybe I’m the one that can’t wait for Kindergarten to start. 😛

It’s nearing bed time, I’m tired, Nyx is settling in and I still need a shower.

But pictures of the new abode are below! Disclaimer all taken with my phone. Read the rest of this entry »





Grrrrr to Mondays!

28 01 2008

picture-30.jpg

That’s all I have to say about Mondays! So no pictures this weekend. Maybe I’ll just make it a Monday thru Friday thing. Who knows. I went on hiatus from the internet. We need to get some things done and if I’m glued to my laptop all week, accomplishments must be finished on the weekends. On other news, I’m seriously one pale filipino. lol. I’m not emo today, just not a very smile friendly picturesque person. 😛

This weekend we met with a “financial adviser” so help us rid our debt and get us on the path to buying a house! It looks pretty promising. I’m staying pretty positive about it though. We are currently waiting to hear back from the bank. Mainly to see if we are qualified for a “special” kind of loan.

According to our financial adviser our credit score has to be above 650 for our ‘special’ loan. At the time I didn’t know what my score was, but I was confident that it was well above that. Only because when I got the loan for my Jetta 2 years ago, it was around 670.

But to sit here and wait till the end of the week was killing me. So I checked it online. It’s above 680 I can tell you that. Preston did his too. It’s above 700. So it’s more than promising. It’s practically a guarantee.  But I won’t count my eggs too soon. I’ll just count them slowly.

Since we’ve been focusing on being financially free I’ve been studying and reading up on tons of things. Raising our credit score, investing wisely, making every penny count, and best of all working towards a house.

I feel so grown up.

I want my daddy here to hold my hand still.

Over the weekend I was shown a new path, as I would like to call, on how to think. This may seem corny, but it makes sense to me. If you watched the documentary about The Secret, or even read the book you probably understand this already. I haven’t bought the book because I can’t quite get myself to buy a non-fiction/fantasy book for $17.

So I’ve been ghetto about it.

Every trip we take to Wal-mart Preston pushes the cart and shops while I walk around with the book in my face. So if I continue on this path I’ll finish the book . . . . . in 2 months?

It’s all about the Law of Attraction. We made our selves who we are today just by what we think. That we are capable of bringing the things we want in our lives just by our thoughts. Sort of like karma in a way. I don’t know to explain it, but I’m hoping that when I finish reading the book I have a better understanding.

Since I’ve read the book I will honestly say I’ve incorporated it into my life. I’ve been feeling pretty damn good. Some pretty good things have been happening. I don’t know if its coincidence, but I don’t care this weekend has been awesome.

Although it’s Monday and Mondays = craptacular, today was pretty good. I was granted my wish for no gregarious work and the least amount of irritations. I even got to get some prices for a possible trip to Nor Cal. :/

Even though I had to wake up at 6am, I’m pretty freaking happy.

It must be the sleepy time pills.