A blog?! What’s that?

14 05 2009

I didn’t forget, just been avoiding.

In a lack of better description and words I’ve been depressed and overwhelmed.

Things have been good, things have been bad, but things can always be better.

I’ve been trying to learn to deal with the hardships that have been coming my way. Since November it’s been a never ending shit storm, one after the other. Every Sunday I tell myself “Well it can’t get any worse than this.” But lo and behold before the week is over it does get worse. There has been good moments in between the shit storms, but not nearly enough to make a mark on my soul to rejoice over.

As of late I hope my dad reads this.

It’s a sad thing when you can’t talk to your dad about what is on your mind and heart. Especially when we live under the same roof. Since he’s gotten married I feel like I was ousted out of his life. Deemed out of date. I’m not a little girl that needs her daddy by her side 24/7. But I am the little girl that wants to feel like I play some part in his life. Even if it’s not a HUGE part, but fit in somewhere that I am acknowledge to be of some existence to him. If I feel like this I can only imagine how my sister feels. I know it must be worse and that pisses me off.

My sister went to the ER 3 times and the crazy bin twice, not once did my dad call or visit. Even show the least bit of concern. He’s been so absorbed in this new marriage that we are invisible. I feel like furniture.

So when does he talk to us? When Channel finds something to bitch about, when S. feels inadequate, or we screwed up. Channel and S. complain that we “alienate” them by not talking to them or even saying hi. Well excuse me if I remember correctly I welcomed you into OUR home with open arms and minds. I showed interest into your life and included you both in ours and what do they do? Hide in my dad’s room. Ignore our conversations turn their fat noses into the air as if we aren’t worthy enough to breath the same air. So fuck you.

In 6 months I feel alienated in my own home. Kicked out of my dad’s life and completely betrayed. Am I over exaggerating? I doubt it.

My proof to back this up?

We are getting kicked out, a new place. We do our best to clean the best we can, pay our half of the bills, not complain about the stupid shit they say and do, and stay out of their way. But it’s not good enough. Channel (16) and her boyfriend N. (20) want our room.

S. told dad that she’s going to move out until we find a place, but after all it played out I think that was full of bullshit.

So here I am for the 4th time in a year we are moving. Where originally we moved in with dad because he said he would help us out by getting us out of very BAD situation, letting us pay off our debt and save money for a down payment on a house. For 3 months I took over the bills for the house because dad didn’t have the money. But he had money to get married, buy a ridiculous dog, fly S. up to Oahu when he is working, buy a new SUV, and spoil Channel. After feeling used I only paid half without saying anything. So thanks dad for not keeping up your end.

For almost 2 weeks its constant texts (because that’s the only way he talks to me) of “Did you find a place yet?” and “When will you be moving?”

Remind me to buy you a shovel for Christmas dad.

He’s already been asking me about my sister too – she moved back in onto grandparents side about 4 weeks ago – asking what she is planning on doing and leaving. She moved in because mentally she isn’t sound, she’s really mixed up in the head and in dire need of family support. Channel already told her to not use the downstairs bathroom, Channel stares Roxanne down till she leaves and pretty much summed up that Roxanne shouldn’t use the living room because her room is on the Grandparent’s side. WTF!? So before Dad gets a hold of Roxanne since he has yet to talk to her since she’s been here my sister is coming to live with us.

To hold true to my “No Bad Days” I have been sticking to finding the good in even the crappiest situation. We are moving into a 2bed, 1 bath, 0.23 acre lot HOUSE for only $850/month. So it’s cheap enough that we can still save up money for a house. It also grants us privacy and a place of our own. It sucks that we may lose a dad in the process.

To get dad and S. off our case we are dishing out a lot of money really fast to get absolute needs of furniture and living necessities. We are literally moving like mad people and rushing.

I have come to the conclusion that this depressed state I am in is because I am living at home. Because I’m living at home with S. and Channel.

Preston and I have been good though. He’s been amazingly supportive and loving. Preston has been incredibly understanding and has been trying to get me out of this rut. I feel just having that support has helped up grow closer together and deeper in love. That’s kind of cheesy, but true. His friends will be helping us a great deal moving the bigger items and literally going house to house picking up the furniture I have bought over Craigslist. I’m quite grateful for Preston and his friends.

Nyx has been doing awesomely too. His crying has been getting worse and it drives me up the wall crazy and mad. I just don’t have the patience to deal with crying caused by nothing. He whines about everything. He wakes up he cries, he’s too lazy to turn on the water himself he cries, he can’t put his slippers on he cries, he sweats he cries, etc. It’s frustrating. So my temper has gotten the better side of me lately. I feel bad, but I don’t it’s weird. We are trying to work something out, but I can’t wait for this phase to pass.

Kindergarten will be done soon. First week of June I do believe. Then he will be doing Summer camp for 8 weeks while I’m working. I can’t believe it’s been a year already. I’m scared. lol. He already hates waking up early and going to school. I can’t believe I have 12+ years of this ahead of me. But I can’t honestly say I’m not looking forward to every second of it.

He’s writing paragraphs, adding and subtracting, spelling, reading, becoming a leader, and completely independent. I want my baby back!

There are good points and there are bad points in my life, but I feel like I have make the good points more often. Where as before it felt like the good points came to me. Like it just happened and it was a beautiful when those great points in your life happened, but as I am growing older I feel like I have to make these events happen. I have to think upon this and leave it for a later entry. I need to head to bed and try to get a good nights rest.

PS I may not update my blog often, but I update my twitter everyday almost all day.

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