It could be worse

6 04 2009

So my last entry was a bit harsh, sounded a little crazy, and quite depressing.

Honestly I needed to vent. What better way than to blog about it?

Seriously though, I’ve been having a pretty hard time dealing with some things. What’s worse is that I really don’t know what’s causing this insane rollercoaster ride of emotions. I’d like to think that I’m pretty good at knowing what’s getting me down and dealing with it. There are huge number of things that can be causing this “depression” phase that I am in and I feel like I’ve been chiseling away at them and making those situations better but I am still feeling down.

In lack of a better description I feel like Eeyore. Completely down, depressed and miserable looking but with a weird emo happy out look on everything. It’s driving me insane. One second I’m fine and dandy next millisecond I’m on the verge of tears and hating everything and everyone around me.

Which leads me to into a somewhat apology to Preston. I shouldn’t have been so psycho talking about him. I know eventually we’ll get to that next phase in our relationship. I’m a bit of a hurry up person while he is just so damn lazy and slow. Everyone, I literally mean everyone, around me is getting married, making bebehs, and getting on with life. Therefore, making me feel like my life is at a stand still. I am so used to having going to quickly and on my timeline that when I have to slow down for Preston to catch up it’s a painfully slow process.

To add I’m sure living back home with my dad isn’t making our situation better. I thought things would be a little easier being back home, but ultimately it isn’t. Its driving me coo coo bananas. My dad’s new wife, her irritating spoiled daughter, the small confinement, the lack of privacy, and the worry of getting back into following the old house rules are quite excruciating to deal with.

We’ve been there for almost 6 months, quite amazing how time flies really, I feel like we haven’t done much to cut our Preston’s debt. I’ve been paying down my debt. The one thing I’m pretty proud of. Since November I’ve paid $9000 to my credit card, although it’s getting back up there trying to catch up with all the bills I’m behind on. Most of which are just medical bills. Since I don’t personally handle Preston’s money and bills I don’t think he made that much of dent. For crying out loud he just spent $1000 to build his first computer. (The complaints about that thing are a whole other tyrant rampage entry itself.)

Now that it’s April I’m getting back into the groove of becoming a more serious 101 Financial Agent. With the move, stress of work, lack of space and organization I haven’t been able to focus on it. Lets cross my fingers I don’t turn into a crazy 101 Agent. :/ 101 Financial has to be one of the few things I’ve enjoyed doing in a while. Now if people would stop thinking I’m trying to sign them up into some pyramid scheme, or any kind of scheme would be great. *cough*Levi*cough*

Even though I’ve been pretty deep in this rut I think I’m sticking pretty true to my “No Bad Days” resolution. I’ve been looking on the bright side of things. I picture myself lacking the better things in my life – my job, family, friends, a roof over my head, etc – and always realize that life could be worse.

With Preston’s help encouragement presence I’ve been doing more and more things to make me feel better. At least feel better inside. I’ve been going to the gym twice a week. Tuesdays and Wednesdays more so because Nyx’s gymnastics are during those days and it’s at the gym. 😐 I either run/jog/speed walk at least 2 miles for 30-40 minutes. This week I’m going to start going Fridays too since I don’t get to pick up Nyx on Fridays, he goes to J’s.

I’ve also started doing more things for myself. Paying and spending more attention to myself physically. I’m not your average prime and primp kind of girl, but I’m doing a little more to make myself feel pretty. Ya know to boost my confidence and stuffs. I have to say its kind of working. 🙂

To top it off we are taking a long over due vacation. We are heading to Oahu this weekend to get off the island and away from this scenery. Just to throw myself into a new environment. Even if its only for a couple days. We are going to our first anime convention, hitting up Dave & Busters, attempting to a new set of wardrobe, but basically de-stressing. Hopefully coming back with a refreshed outlook and feeling.

I hate that I let myself get to this point. But life just takes this grasp on you and next thing you know you are stuck in sinking sand with no one to throw you a rope to pull yourself out. Right now I really feel like the sand is above my head with only finger tips reaching out for help and sanity.

Could be worse though, there could be a huge sand worm that reaches up to swallow me whole. 😐

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2 responses

6 04 2009
Iris

i hear ya sister. i too am trying to take better care of myself physically and mentally. but working out is a bitch. i need a “at-home-lipo” machine. that’s really gross actually. oh, so is your dad still with what’s her face…levi’s mom? oh, my photoshop thingy is 6.0 or something like that. i can’t read those damn tutorials. i’m more hands on and try figure it out myself or someone show me. after reading alittle of something, i just wanna punch it.

9 04 2009
Nai

I know its way over the top girly for you and me…but I’m thinking pedicures when I next see you again, facials (because they are just that soothing) and something exotic to sip on…

God I wish I was there!

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