Not one to shy away.

24 03 2009

If you know you have something, not afraid to share, and work through it some how does that mean you don’t really have it?

I make no sense. Starting from scratch.

I know I have my limits, we all have limits and I do believe I truly found mine.

I like to think I handle stress quite well. I strive off of stress. In fact some of my best work has been done under immense stress, little time, insanity and chaos. I might have shed a few tears in the process, but I was always happy and anxious to see the end. Not for it to just be over, but to see my work, my progress, myself. These last few months have truly tested me. Bad things happening left and right. The head honcho of my tripod moved back home, my boss left for the Philippines for almost 2 months (I was acting lead for that time), BOTH my incredibly expensive systems blew up, grown men bitching and complaining about *gasp* doing their own work, and a GTM that probably wants to ram a broom stick down my throat. Yeah, it wasn’t a nice few months.

I’m dead serious about blowing up too. One system shorted itself when due to heavy rains. Water and electronics don’t mix. The next week because of crappy weather was struck with lightning. I really am not kidding with this bad juju on me. 😦

So a third party, I like to call Worm, comes in to help. He is a sexist know-it-all arrogant asshole. I’m trying to be as nice as I can. So I have to work side by side with him getting both my systems up and running. I’d say I have about 6 more months of him.

With everything happening at work, family issues aren’t all that great either.

Preston and I, well…… what can I say although we were officially unofficially engaged we are now officially officially unengaged. Don’t mistake that as we aren’t together, take it as the jerk isn’t ready to get married because it’s too soon. Many of arguments, bucket fulls of tears, tons of disgust I accepted it. Pretty don’t count on getting married to him ever, although he will correct me and tell me he will marry me. Just on his time and there is no compromise. He has a vicious cycle of looking at this I’ll show you.

Able for us to get married this criteria has to be met:

We need to make our relationship stronger —— how? ——- By not arguing about our debt and money issues ——— So we need to pay off our loans and credit cards —— Ok I paid off $12000 on my debt ——– he got more debt and just bought $1000 worth of computer parts ———- We need to buy a house first before we get married ——— We can’t get married with tons of debt ——– So we have to pay off the house first? ——— No, but we need to get rid of some of our debt  ——- he buys more useless crap——– we argue about HIS money situation and we are back at the beginning ———— I argue about his selfishness and then it comes to well he’d like us to travel a bit more before we settle down ——- lose/lose for me.

I established although I love Preston a great deal we are never getting married. What do you know?! We aren’t allowed to have anymore kids until we are married. So there are two things I have accepted. 1) The circumstances will never be perfect for him, there is no compromise, so we are never going to get married.  2) Since no kids until marriage for Preston that means no more kids for me.

I can say it over and over again that I accept it, but deep down it bugs the shit out of me. I’m always fighting to not dig deep into this, but we have been together for nearly 4.5 years and there is no budging for him. I have given up. He’ll be my boyfriend forever, and that’s the peak of our relationship and like any depressed on the verge psycho girlfriend I want to rip his head off. I feel like I just wasted the last 4 years of my life creating this bond for nothing.

I won’t lie, but I have been thinking, “Is it too late to look for someone that is ready to settle down?”

I’ll come out and say it straight, our relationship is no where close to what it was. I am not talking about the whole new love fresh romance feeling. I’m talking about having this incredible bond and relationship with your best friend and lover. And it sucks.

I feel completely lost. There is so much conflict in my mind and heart that it’s completely overwhelming. Not to add I have my son to take care of.

Thank goodness Nyx hasn’t been giving me much grief. He’s been a bit more of a cry baby lately. Some days more than others. I don’t understand why he can’t verbally tell me whats wrong any more. He used to be so good at that, but he cries. He cries about EVERYTHING. I think it’s starting to show.

I don’t know anymore, I’m ending this. Can you tell life is crappy right now?

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One response

25 03 2009
Nai

It’s official, you have got waaaaay to much going on and no good venting. I am calling you!…ummm in 6 hours or so so I wont be waking your tired butt up 🙂

I heart you babes!

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