The Irony Called My Life

26 10 2007

 Below is a very long story. My story. My dreams. My hopes. You are more than welcomed to read it. I figured I’d leave the option for more because I didn’t realize what it would turn into.


6 years ago I would have never thought I’d be here. I would have never guessed this is how I would turn out. By no means am I disappointed. But if I was to go back in time and tell myself the many things I’ve accomplished and where I’m at I think my past self would die of shock. Quite literally too.

Let’s see 6 years ago I was . . .  *calculating*. . . . 17 years old. Still in high school, still an aimless-confused-know-it-all-ambitionless-drugged-out-alcoholic-lost teenager. As sad as it was I really didn’t think I’d make it to my 18th birthday. Pretty pathetic huh?

I had my son and that change everything. I felt I had a purpose. A reason. The strength to push for more in life. But that’s a whole other story.

When I was 17 I really didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life. My parents surely didn’t have a college fund for me. At some point I think my dad some what gave up trying to help point me in the right direction. He knew I wasn’t going to listen and follow the beat to my drum, rather than his.

 I knew 5 things though.

1. I was going to work as a waitress because it made “good money.” I brought home no less than $100s in tips. Which I thought was damn good since I only worked 3 or 4 hours a day.

2. I was going to finish high school. What’s the point of dropping out if I invested my whole life going to school anyways? So having a high school degree is better than nothing anyways.

3. I hated “the man.” The Man being practically anyone with some sort of government (state or federal) power. Cops, mayors, senators, etc. Actually I lacked a lot of respect for people with authority.

4. I knew I wasn’t going to continue my education. Quite frankly, it never came to mind. I had money. I took care of myself. Hell I didn’t even live with my parents anymore. So as long as I was working, eatting, and had some sort of roof over my head then I had nothing to worry about.

5. Above all I knew as long as I had my “friends”, drugs, and alcohol who the hell cared what happened the next day. Hell who was even thinking about tomorrow when I’m having fun today?

Damn I was really fucking stupid, ignorant and practically down right retarded at 17.  But at 18.5 I was pregnant with my son. He really changed everything for me. For that, I am forever eternally grateful to him.

Everything changed. I lost my “friends” because I became boring mom. I got into a lot of fights, physical and verbally, because I wanted to keep my son and do the right thing while all my “friends” pushed for me to get an abortion. That killed me everytime some one would even push that recommendation on me. To this day I want to stab them in the eye for even thinking of it.

 Now I know they were never friends to begin with. They were never worth my time. In times I still talk to them, I say hi to them when I see them in public, but nothing more. I have pity on them for never wanting more. For killing their bodies with all the drinking and drugs they do. And sadly after 6 years I still see all the damage it has taken on them.

Short Stack helped me find the right friends. The friends that are now worth my time, anytime. The friends that have been there for me through thick and thin. The friends I’d do anything for even if it put the most minut smile on their face. All because I know they’d do the same for me. These friends are also a great influence in my son’s life and each carry their own unique role in my son’s life too.

After high school I knew no job would ever make enough for me to take care of my son. I was still with my baby’s daddy then, but he had no ambitions for something greater. Though he owns his own business and has followed in his father’s steps becoming a finish carpenter. He used about 70% of his money to fund his love for cars, his needs to drifting, his addiction to pot, and the desire to be accept by his ‘friends’.

 I continued my education at a community college where I got my AAS in Electronics. A field I really didn’t know I was interested in till I looked into the classes available. In that I finally realized I am my father’s daughter. I followed in his steps. Which made my father really proud. Since then I’ve become very close to my dad again. Something I didn’t realize I missed so much till I gave in to him. No regrets there.

With this new degree I amazingly actually have a career. Something I never knew I could accomplish. I was so afraid of falling into my mother’s steps. My mom had dead end jobs that barely made enough to support a family of 7. I never wanted to deal with the stress of never having enough money. But here I am bringing in around $45000/year doing something I love. Doing something that helps my country.

Oh which brings me to the fact that now I work for “The Man.” Now that is pure irony there. After being arrested enough times that I need both my hands I now work for him/her. “The Man” has made it possible for my son to attend pre-school that is only 3 minutes away from me.

 Where am I going with this? I was really fucked up growing up. I only cared about myself, no one else. I was damn lucky to make it to my 18th birthday. I thought I had nothing to live for and didn’t give a damn because I was always so depressed, so lonely and felt so damn empty.

And now here I am, a whole different person. A better person. I have come across many people wanting to make their lives better. Wanting to quit the drugs. Wanting to get a better education. Wanting a different life. I want to give that to my community.

I don’t know how I am going to do it. I don’t even know where to start, but I really want to open up a safe haven. I want to start up a non-profit organization that will help people, kids, teens or adults get their life back on track.

 I know there are organizations out there that do this, but in Hawaii, in my community I don’t see any of that being done. I see families where the parents are so fucked up on ice (meth) they can barely function, but they know they need help. Maybe I can’t open up a drug rehabiliation center, but I want to help their kids so they (the parents) can straighten up. I see kids who don’t want to be around the drugs, but have no where to go. I want to offer the shelter to keep them away from it.

I don’t know if the dream I have is possible, but I know that I won’t stop trying. Not everyone is lucky enough to have some sort of life changing event or wake up call, like I did with my son, to want to change for the better. But when they do I want to make sure that it’s well known that there is a helping hand out there for them. I want to be that helping hand.

To the Gods I pray to, please give me the strength, knowledge, and courage for this.



2 responses

27 10 2007

There are organizations out there that do what you are interested in doing, but they are few and far between. Even harder to find are actually residential treatment centers for kids who need more than outpatient care. When my brother ran away over a month ago, mom decided she just couldn’t give him the help he needed anymore. Actually, he’s sixteen and sounds exactly like you were describing yourself to be. Except he is such an exceptional liar and has lost his sense of what is true and what isn’t. And as much as I love my brother, and although I know what a great guy he can be, right now…he’s not that guy. When he’s on drugs, he can be violent…and things had simply spiraled out of control. Anyways, all of the residential treatment centers around us…were FULL. So we had to apply for state funding and place him in a treatment center over three hours away from home. He’s been there now for almost a month and they are guessing that he might be ready to go home before Christmas, but they aren’t sure.

At any rate, It’s great to hear that you are happy with your life (I keep telling myself that some day my brother will be happy again too) and thinking about helping others….you’d be great at it because you would actually understand what the kids are going through. I think that’s part of the problem with some of the therapy places. The people giving the therapy just can’t relate.

I say go for it. You just might have the power to change someone’s life!

1 11 2007

I commend you for standing strong and being able to take care of your child at the same time continuing your education and obtaining a career. I’ve learned the hard way not to rely on other people (those whom I once called “friends”) for anything. I have to rely on myself and that’s what you’re doing. True friends are there to support you no matter what and to encourage you to make the right choices.

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